


Kindred

by Eve1978



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Cheating, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Romance, Sister-Sister Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-15 09:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3441479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rae meets Tom she immediately sees everything she ever wanted in a man but there’s one thing that isn’t exactly perfect about him: he’s about to marry her sister.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue  
.............

It wasn’t love at first sight, not exactly, he was handsome, I did see that at first sight, but he was not the most handsome man in the room. 

He looked elegant and classy in his grey perfectly tailored suit and he was tall, really tall, his legs seemed to go on forever, I had to look up to meet his blue eyes that lit up as he greeted me with a warm smile.

When I reached out my hand to shake his he just ignored it and stepped closer, pulling me in a short but tight hug.   
It was a real hug where he put both his arms around me and leaned into me with his entire body, squeezing me against his chest. 

Normally it would have made me feel uncomfortable because I was not an affectionate person, but it felt so genuine and heartfelt with him that I actually enjoyed the hug.

As we sat down his radiant eyes rested on me while he introduced himself further and asked me small things about myself, always keeping eye contact and hanging on my every word. 

He was articulate and intelligent without sounding like a smart-ass, I couldn’t help but watch his mouth as he talked, he had sensual lips and his charming accent drew me in completely. 

But more than just his lips he talked with his hands, accompanying almost every word with a gesture and drawing my attention to his long delicate fingers that rested on his legs in between talking. 

Funny, kind, confident, smart, imaginative, sincere but above everything, and what I believe really drew me in, passionate. 

He seemed passionate about everything and he talked as much as he listened, which was rare in a man, or in the men I had met anyway. 

It had been ages since I met someone who kept me interested in his conversation at all and also involved me in it, it didn’t take long for me to become completely infatuated with this man.

He spread his attention across the table, giving everyone what they wanted from him, I stayed in the background but he always returned to me, with a sweet smile or a question to involve me in the conversation again.

I noticed I was sitting closer and closer to him as the night went on but he didn’t seem to mind, his leg was resting against mine, not because we were sitting too close but because he was sitting with his legs open and claiming more than just his single spot on the couch. 

I didn’t want the night to be over, I just wanted to stay in his presence for as long as I possibly could but he got up and said goodbye to everyone on our table, ending with me, it was a longer hug this time followed by a kiss on my cheek brushing my skin with the stubble on his face and making me drown in his cologne for a second, I was allowed one last look into those blue eyes before he disappeared from me. 

I’m not easily impressed by men, I’m usually never impressed actually but this one…he had a hold on me so tight and so quickly it scared me. 

But that wasn’t the worst thing, the worst thing and the reason I was unable to get to sleep right now is that he was someone that I should not be falling for at all, more like the absolute last person I should be falling for.

I couldn’t give into anything I was feeling, the fact alone that I was feeling it made my stomach turn.

All of that did not happen tonight, it couldn’t have because this perfect man was not mine nor was he free to ever become mine, this perfect man was marrying my gorgeous sister in a few weeks.

 

Chapter 1  
...............

 

I got her phone call a week earlier, I was surprised to hear her voice because my sister didn’t call me very often, I didn’t call her very often either.   
She lived about 2 hours away and we didn’t see each other regularly, I could blame the distance for that, but we both knew the real reason was we literally had nothing in common apart from having the same blood. 

My sister was 3 years younger than me, she had always been the popular one, the one that did well in school and outside of it, she always followed the rules and she always had a bunch of friends and a cute boyfriend for as long as I could remember. 

After 3 successful years in college she was now working as a lawyer in a well renowned firm, she lived for her career and she was good at it too. 

But next to having the perfect career she also seemed to have the perfect life living in her own house surrounded by friends and family, always looking her best, it all seemed to come so easy to her and though I loved her as a sister I had always hated her a little bit for that.

I was the unreliable older sister, the troublemaker that didn’t care about good grades in school, the one that didn’t smile in family pictures, didn’t have a lot of friends and was more interested in books than in boyfriends, the rebel who never had perfect hair, didn’t wear dresses and couldn’t walk in high heels to save her life. 

And the one that went from one job to another and never really knew what to do with her life and even moved to London to get away from this family and do her own thing, if I ever found out what that was…

Or as my mother stated it: I was a loose canon and one day I would blow up in my own face.   
I believe that day was coming closer.

‘Rae!’ my sister screamed through the phone, sounding happier than I had ever heard her in the past years.  
‘Clara?’ I asked,’ is everything alright?’  
‘Everything is better than alright, it’s perfect,’ she laughed,’ I’m getting married!’

‘That’s…amazing Clara! Congratulations!’ I said,’ I didn’t know you were with someone?’  
‘We’ve only been together 5 months,’ she explained,’ I know it’s soon but when you know you just know, you know?’

She was laughing again as I rolled my eyes. 

No I didn’t know, I had no fucking idea how you could know someone for a mere 5 months and already know you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them.   
I had no idea how it felt to just KNOW, I had never known anything.

‘I’m happy for you’ I tried to sound sincere.  
‘Oh you’ll love him, he’s perfect,’ she continued,’ the wedding is next month and guess where it is?’  
‘Um…’

‘It’s in London!’ she screeched,’ the whole family is coming to London for the preparations, we’re coming to see you!’

Oh hell no!

****

So one week later I was sitting on my couch after having just met my sister and her friends in a bar and been introduced to her fiancee Tom, who swept me off my feet with his charm and made it impossible for me to get him out of my head all night.   
I wanted to kick myself.

I woke up feeling a little bit better the next day, well maybe not better but definitely more sane. 

I must have been overreacting the night before, I hadn’t had a boyfriend for so long, it was normal to feel attracted to a guy like that, mixed with the alcohol and the setting and the music, it was silly of me to believe it was anything more than that, it was just a stupid attraction, it would be gone as soon as it came. 

I would go about my life today and by tonight this guy would be out of my mind, yes that sounded like an excellent plan!

But unfortunately my sister had another plan for me, as I was finishing breakfast I noticed I had a message from her on my voice mail: ‘Sweet Rae, I’m so sorry to ask this but you’re the only one who’s in London and not working today, mum is arriving early and I’m on my way to pick her up at the airport but I was supposed to go to a cake tasting with Tom this morning, I told him you wouldn’t mind taking my place, please tell me you won’t mind? I can’t leave it up to him, I need a woman’s opinion. Please pretty please! He’s staying at the Royal Gate Hotel, just meet him there around 10. Please sis, I’ll owe you big time!’

I put down my phone and let out a deep sigh.   
Fuck! How do I get out of this? 

I immediately realized I couldn’t, I had told her I had no plans just the night before and I promised to help her as much as I could with the wedding, I couldn’t think of an excuse that would sound believable.

I ran across the hall and started knocking on Wyatt’s door, who didn’t answer.

‘Come on,’ I sighed and I raised my voice,’ I know you’re there, I heard your shower just a minute ago’  
The door opened and two dark eyes stared at me from beneath messy and wet dark brown curls.

‘Are you spying on me again?’ he asked as he raised his eyebrow.  
‘I need advice’ I pleaded.  
He let me through the door and put on a t-shirt. 

‘What is it now?’ he asked,’ is your internet down again? Are you out of food? Do you need help choosing an outfit?’

I gave him an angry look, I was perfectly capable of picking out my own outfits, but the advice of a gay friend never hurt anyone in that department.

And Wyatt was definitely gay, he was the gayest thing in all of gay town or as he stated it himself: he fell out of the gay tree and hit every little gay branch on the way down.   
But more than my gay friend he was my best friend and the only other young single person in this building so we had to stick together.

‘It’s my sister’s fiancee’ I sighed as I sank down on his couch, he took a seat next to me and his eyes lit up.  
‘Ohh the actor,’ I could see a smile of amusement on his face,’ tell me everything, was he as bad as you thought?’

‘Worse!’ I said,’ and by worse I mean…not at all, he’s…pretty perfect’  
I let out a deep sigh and closed my eyes for a minute.

‘Oh my god Rae!’ he brought his hand to his chest in shock,’ did you finally meet a man that sparked your interest?’

‘Yes,’ I admitted softly,’ but he’s my sister’s fiancee so…no sparks allowed’  
I looked at him helplessly.  
‘Uh-oh’ he said with an amused smile.

‘It’s not funny Wyatt,’ I sighed,’ you know me, I don’t fall easily, or at all, and don’t even get me started on love at first sight, that shit does not happen’  
‘So how hot is this guy then?’ he asked surprised.

‘It’s not just his looks,’ I protested,’ it’s his…everything’  
Wyatt burst out laughing.  
‘Alright, I need to see this guy,’ he said,’ Do I know any of his movies?’

‘He hasn’t done any big movies yet, he mostly does theatre,’ I explained,’ Shakespeare and stuff, nothing you’d be interested in’  
‘Excuse me!? The uncultured gay man can’t like Shakespeare?’ he said, pretending to be offended.

‘DO you like Shakespeare?’ I threw back.  
‘Are you fucking kidding me, talk about a borefest if there ever was one!’ he admitted, putting a smile onto my face.

‘So what do you need my advice on?’ he asked then,’ you know what to do, or in this case what NOT to do’  
‘I need an excuse to get out of meeting him today,’ I said,’ my sister wants me to fill in for her and I just…think it might be better if I don’t see him again right away, you know, just give myself some time to put this out of my head’

‘No you have to go’ Wyatt said,’ he’s gonna become family, you’re gonna have to deal with this, rather sooner than later if you ask me, nip it in the bud’  
‘Please don’t talk about his butt’ I sighed.

‘BuD!’ he laughed,’ get your mind out of the gutter!!’  
I bit my lip and shook my head,’ so you think I should just go?’

‘Yes,’ he said,’ just get it over with, it’s just infatuation right? You’ll see him again today and deal with this as the sane levelheaded person that I know you are’  
He rested his eyes on me in a serious look before he continued: ‘Chances are it will be over before it even started’

I nodded my head but he could tell I wasn’t entirely convinced.

‘You’re Rae,’ he said,’ you’re too smart to fall head over heels for some guy, let alone some guy who is taken…by your sister’  
He stressed his last words and I hid my face in my hands as I sighed. 

He was right, what was I even thinking?!

‘Want me to help you find an outfit?’ he suggested. I smiled at him thankfully but shook my head.  
‘I’ll be fine’

***

I walked up the stairs to the hotel an hour later, I had decided not to dress up too much but just put on my best jeans and a casual t-shirt, but because I didn’t want to come off too casual I had put on my high heels, which for me meant semi high heels so I wouldn’t fall flat on my face but still look a bit stylish and feminine. 

As I walked into the hotel lobby I could see him standing by the front desk, I only saw his back but I could tell by his long legs and his haircut that it was him even before he turned to me. 

He was wearing a tight black pants and a light blue shirt that brought out his blue eyes even more, the top buttons of his shirt were open revealing his long neck and his sleeves were rolled up. 

‘Rae!’ he smiled as he came towards me.  
I put out my hand hoping he would just take it this time but I felt his arms around me before I even had a chance. 

I tried my best not to get lost in his cologne and stepped back from his hug as soon as he released me.   
‘Hi Tom’ I smiled.

‘Thank you so much for doing this,’ he said with a friendly smile on his face,’ Clara was panicking when your mother called, I suggested she should just ask her sister’  
He suggested this?

‘Shall we go?’ he asked,’ we’ll take my car’

***

We arrived at the luxury bakery a little bit later, I welcomed the smell of the pastries after being stuck in the car with the smell of leather, his cologne and him, this smelled like my mother’s kitchen, something cosy, old, warm and not at all sexy or exciting. 

It was perfect and I closed my eyes for a second as I inhaled the smell of sugar, sweets and chocolate.

‘These all look amazing’ Tom said as we looked at the wedding cakes surrounding us, they were placed onto different small but high round tables and every table had a few pieces of sliced cake for the customers to taste.  
‘Where do you wanna start?’ I asked him.

We walked up to one of the cakes that was covered in multiple layers of chocolate and, according to the card, lemon merengue.

Tom handed me a plate and took one for himself, we both took a bite and looked at each other.  
‘Oh my god this is amazing’ I said.

‘Delicious’ he agreed as he licked the chocolate off his upper lip and took another bite, I tried not to look at his lips and forced my eyes back down, focussing on the piece of cake on my plate. 

However amazing the cake was, it obviously wasn’t the most delicious thing in the room…

‘Shall we just take this one then?’ he asked.  
‘Shouldn’t we try a few more?’ I asked surprised.

‘I’ll tell you a secret,’ he said as he leaned in closer and whispered into my ear, I could almost feel his deep voice caressing my cheek,’ I really don’t care about this stuff’  
I suppressed a laugh and pretended to look shocked but he saw right through me and smiled.

‘Okay,’ I smiled,’ but this is the first time in years my sister asked me to do something for her, I can’t mess up. What does she like?’  
‘I don’t know’ he said indifferent.

‘You’re marrying her’ I said, this time I didn’t have to pretend to be shocked.  
‘You’re her sister!’ he threw back.

‘We’re not that close,’ I confessed,’ but…I do remember she loved strawberries, so maybe we should take that one?’  
I pointed to the cake next to ours covered in strawberries and vanilla.

Tom took another plate and used the fork to cut off a small piece of the cake as he walked up to me, bringing the fork to my mouth.

‘You tell me’ he said and his eyes watched me as I took a bite. 

God I hated when people stared at me while I ate, especially people this attractive, I could feel his eyes on my mouth and covered it with my hand as I nodded.

‘It’s perfect,’ I said,’ she’ll love it…I hope’  
‘If she doesn’t we’ll just blame it on me’ he said as he winked at me and walked up to the shop owner to place the order. 

I wondered around the rest of the shop trying to calm myself down.

Okay Rae you did fine and this all went a lot faster and smoother then expected, now you’re just going to make up some excuse and go home where you can be away from him and put your mind on other things, this infatuation will only pass if he’s out of sight for a while, let Wyatt take you out tonight, go dancing, look at some other guys…

‘Everything’s arranged,’ he said as he came up to me a few minutes later,’ thank you for helping me’  
‘I didn’t do anything’ I said as I shook my head and waved it away.

‘So…since we both have a few hours to kill now,’ he said,’ do you want to explore London with me?’

No! No you don’t want that Rae, that is the last thing you want right now!   
Just say no, be polite. No thank you, I have stuff to do, some other time maybe!  
Just two letters N O! 

But of course that was not what I said , the words coming from my mouth were: ’Yes I would love to’

***

So a few minutes later I was sitting by the water in Hyde Park, sharing a coffee with him on the grass. 

It was the beginning of May but it was one of those days where you could have sworn it was midsummer, it was warm and sunny but with a perfect cool breeze.

‘You’re so lucky having all these beautiful parks so close to you’ he said as he stretched his long legs in front of him and crossed them as he leaned back on his hands and let his face soak up the sun.

‘Can I be honest?’ I said.  
He looked at me.  
‘I haven’t been here in over a year,’ I confessed,’ I’m more of an indoor person’

‘Are you joking?’ he said, genuinely surprised,’ you need to come here more often, it’s so beautiful and relaxing’

I had to agree with him, I felt surprisingly calm and relaxed just sitting on the grass and listening to the water.

‘There’s nothing I love more than going for a run in the park before the city wakes up,’ he continued,’ sadly I don’t get to do that nearly as much as I would like’  
I smiled, I hadn’t pictured him for a runner but I was picturing him in one of those tight running shorts right now.  
Stop it, bad thoughts!

I looked away from him and back to the water.  
‘So how did you meet my sister?’ I asked.

‘Oh through a mutual friend,’ he explained,’ he brought her to one of my shows and we started talking afterwards, and it just clicked. Sometimes you just have an instant attraction to someone you know, it’s not love at first sight but you’re just…drawn to that person in a way you can’t really explain yet, but then the more you talk to them the more you realize it’s real…and it’s perfect’

I nodded my head, he couldn’t have described it better, but of course he felt all those things for my sister, and not for me, and all of a sudden nothing about this was perfect, it was just sad. What was I even doing here?

‘Are you okay?’ he asked as he looked at me with a worried look on his face.

Of course he noticed my expression had changed, this man paid attention when I talked or didn’t talk, he genuinely seemed to care which only made me feel worse.

‘I’m fine’ I said.  
‘I’m sorry,’ he said as he shook his head,’ you don’t want to hear all that romance crap’  
‘No, no I don’t’ I said honestly and we both smiled.

‘But I’m happy for my sister,’ I said,’ she deserves happiness and I really hope you can give it to her, from what I’ve seen and heard so far you’re quite an amazing guy Tom.’

His eyes had a more serious look now as he turned to me, almost staring now, I kept my eyes locked with his for a little while and then looked away.

‘And my sister’s pretty amazing too’ I said as I smiled at him.  
‘Yeah,’ he said softly,’ she is’  
We both stayed quiet for a bit.

‘I should go’ I said then.  
‘I’ll drive you home’ he suggested.

‘No,’ I said as I got up,’ I think I’d prefer to walk, now that I’m finally here I might as well take in the sights’  
‘Good idea,’ he said as he looked up at me.

‘I’m sure I’ll see you again soon’ I said as I leaned down to kiss him, I felt his lips on my cheek and his hand run through my hair for just a second.

‘Enjoy the rest of the day Rae’ he said as he looked at me with a smile.

‘Say hi to Clara from me’ I said as I waved him goodbye and walked away, trying to ignore the pit in my stomach and the tears welling up in my eyes.

Oh stop it Rae!  
Be realistic, nothing is going to change, you’ll go to the wedding, maybe cry some more on the night but then you’ll go back to your life and you won’t have to see Clara and Tom again for a very long time, it will be fine, you have been fine on your own for a long time now, this is nothing but a silly stupid crush and it will go away, it’s nothing…nothing.

I wiped away my tears as I left the park behind me and disappeared into the busy streets of London.


	2. Chapter 2

I hid in my apartment for the next few days, I just came out to go to work, hide behind my desk all day and then go back home, watch tv and go to sleep, I didn’t hear from Wyatt either who was probably busy with work too.  

But keeping busy helped me take my mind off Tom, I blocked him from my mind and went back to my life as it was before, or I tried to at least.   So this was my Saturday night, X factor on an empty couch, but I really couldn’t be bothered to dress up and go out to meet another uninteresting guy that was only looking for a hot one night stand, or another boring guy that would fall in love with me and want marriage and kids as soon as possible. 

I wasn’t sure which of those scared me the most.   I was quite happy being on my own generally, I enjoyed time alone and being free to do whatever I wanted to do without having to consider another person and their needs.  But there were times when it did get a little bit lonely.  

As if to answer my thoughts there was a knock on the door, expecting no one else but Wyatt I ignored that I was wearing my lounge pants and a big sweater and answered the door.

  ‘Hi sis!’ she said with a big smile.  

Clara was my height but her heels were so high I actually had to look up to meet her eyes, she was wearing a short and classy black dress and a little brown jacket, her blonde hair was perfectly cut and just touched her shoulders, her smile reached her gorgeous dark eyes as she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.

  ‘Hi,’ I smiled, trying to hide my shock at seeing her on my doorstep unexpectedly,’ why are you here?’

  ‘Can I ask you one more huge favour?’ she said, immediately raising her hands,’ I know, I’m asking a lot but…I just dropped mum and dad off at aunt Jane’s. Rae, they are driving me crazy already, I can’t handle being in the same house with them for more than 1 day let alone more than a week’  

Oh no, I could already guess where this was going.  

‘Please tell me you have a spare room for your sister’ she begged as she showed me her sweetest smile.   I realized I was still blocking the doorway and not letting her into my apartment and I noticed her small suitcase standing next to her on the ground, she was not here to ask me to let her stay, she was here to stay.  
  I took a deep sigh, knowing she wouldn’t give up and knowing my sister’s stubbornness, I might as well just let her in right now.

  ‘Alright, come in’ I said as I stepped aside, adjusting my sweater, seeing her so dressed up made me feel even more like the slob that I was.   She dropped her suitcase in the corner and took a seat on the couch. 

‘So how is mum and dad?’ I asked. 

‘Ohh they’re great,’ she smiled,’ they can’t wait to go play tourist in London, you need to go see them Rae’    
‘I will’ I sighed.

 I knew I would have to but it was something I wasn’t looking forward to.    
‘Okay so tell me!’ she said with a big enthusiastic smile on her face,’ what do you think? About Tom?’

 I tried not to look directly at her as I was trying to think of an acceptable answer.   What did I think about Tom? I think he’s the sexiest most gorgeous thing I’ve seen in years, but that was probably not what she would want to hear about her fiancé.  

‘He’s great Clara’ I said, trying to sound as neutral as I possibly could.  
 ‘I know,’ she smiled,’ I feel like the luckiest girl in the world’ 

I had no doubt that was true.  

‘So how is your love life?’ she asked.  I let out a little chuckle.  
  ‘Let’s get you settled into your room’ I said as I stood up and avoided her question.  

My love life, well I could be very short about that, it was non-existent.  It’s not that I hadn’t tried, I had been on dates during the past years but most of them just bored me and the others were assholes, so I had just given up on dating for now. 

  ‘Now’ was going on for 2 years, but I didn’t want to complain, as I said I kind of liked my life the way it was, I liked my freedom and I didn’t want to be pinned down, I liked the idea of possibility, my life could still go either way, of course right now it was going nowhere at all…  

This month I was a waitress, last month I worked as a receptionist in a hotel, last year I sold tickets in a museum and before that I worked in H&M for a few months.   Being a waitress wasn’t my dream job but I enjoyed it for now, I worked in a small cosy coffee house, close to my flat and I adored my colleague Kym, who only took this job so she could chat up all the single men in the shop.   

I was cleaning tables and bringing empty cups to the kitchen that afternoon when I noticed him, his long legs were struggling to fit into the booth and he sat leaned back against the seat studying the menu, wearing a jeans and black shirt.  

What is he doing here? There’s a fucking Starbucks on every corner, why would he pick this place?!  

I turned the corner and hoped he hadn’t seen me yet, Kym saw my reaction and came closer.

 ‘Who are we hiding from?’ she asked with an amused look on her face.    
‘Can you take my costumer for table 7?’ I asked. 

She put her head around the corner to see who was sitting there and looked back at me with a big smile.

  ‘Damn,’ she said,’ why wouldn’t you want him?’  
  ‘Can you take him?’ I asked again,’ please?’

 ‘Oh honey I’ll take him any way he lets me!’ she answered with a wink and she was already on her way to his table.  I leaned back against the wall and let out a sigh of relief, I knew I couldn’t run from him forever but maybe I could at least avoid him for a few days.   
I took a few dirty plates with me and made my way to the kitchen.  

But as I wanted to go through the kitchen door Kym tapped on my shoulder.   
‘Sorry darling,’ she said,’ my powers don’t seem to work on him, he wants you’  

I walked up to his table hesitantly, seeing a smile appear on his face as soon as he saw me.  

‘Hi Rae,’ he said,’ Clara told me you work here and I was in the neighbourhood looking for coffee. I have to admit I never pictured you for a waitress’  

‘It’s temporary,’ I said with a sigh,’ like everything else in my life, what can I get you?’

  I realized I sounded distant and cold and gave him a smile, hoping to soften the tone in my voice but I could see that worried look on his face again. 

‘I’m sorry,’ I said as I waved it away,’ I’m having a bad day’  
  ‘Why don’t you sit down with me for a bit?’ he suggested,’ it’s calm in here anyway’

 I couldn’t find a reason to protest and took a seat in front of him.    
‘So how’s your day?’ I asked.

 ‘I met your mother’ he said, the distorted look of fear on his face immediately put a smile on my face.    
‘And does she hate you?’ I asked.   
‘Yes!’ he said,’ I was so shocked, I was so nice to her but everything I said just seemed to make her hate me more’ 

He looked genuinely surprised.    
‘Don’t worry, she hates everyone’ I tried to reassure him. 

‘I think it’s the whole 5 months is way too soon thing’ he sighed.  
  ‘What did you expect?’ I said,’ you’re marrying her precious daughter’ 

‘She has 2 precious daughters’ he threw back.  
 ‘Trust me, I’m not the precious one’ I said which put a smile on his face.

  ‘I think you’re selling yourself short,’ he said softly, his eyes were resting on me a little bit too long for comfort, I noticed he did that a lot,’ from where I’m sitting you have everything going for you. You’re smart, funny, independent, …beautiful’  

The way his voice dropped with that last word made me shiver and I could feel the blush creeping up on my cheeks as I tried to avoid his eyes.   I shook my head and when I looked up again I found his eyes were still on me and his lips curled, he could have every woman he wanted eating out of his hand with that charming smile.    
I looked away and tried to find something else to talk about.

  ‘I’m also very stubborn, awkward, according to some a bit of a bitch and usually very hard to impress’ I said.    
‘Usually?’ he asked as he raised his eyebrow. 

The amused look on his face made me believe he knew exactly what I was talking about and that he was the exception to my rule, I was not imagining this…was I?   
I tried to stir the conversation away from his question by just ignoring it.

  ‘Yes well, don’t take it personal,’ I said,’ but in my experience most men are assholes Tom’  
 ‘Well as much as I feel obliged to step in here and defend my fellow assholes,’ he said,’ I also feel the need to apologize to you’  

Now I was the one raising my eyebrow at him.  
 ‘What for?’ I asked surprised.

  ‘I’m sorry that you met those guys who made you believe that,’ he continued, his voice was soft and filled with genuine sympathy,’ they are the worst of us, and I don’t wish to be associated with any of them if they did anything to upset you or hurt you…so I apologize for being part of the asshole tribe’

I couldn’t help but smile at him, it was also all I could manage at this point because my words were suddenly gone.    
‘You deserve to meet the best of us Rae’ he added.

‘Well it looks like I already did…’ my voice was barely more than a whisper but I could tell by the way his eyes twitched he had heard me.   We were both quiet for a moment.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I then said softly,’ I shouldn’t have called you an asshole, I should go back to work’ 

I couldn’t think of anything more to say and suddenly all I wanted was to be out of this conversation.  

‘You’re always running from me’ he said as he shook his head, I tried to urge myself to get up from the booth and out of his presence.  

‘Yeah well, I’m a busy girl Tom,’ I said as I got up and looked him right in the eyes, trying my best to look confident and unaffected by his words and charm,’ and I’m needed in the kitchen, I’ll have Kym take your order’

  ‘See you later Rae’ he smiled.  
 ‘I’m sure you will’ I sighed as I had already turned my back to him.  

I tried not to look back at him as I walked away from his table, Kym was waiting for me behind the corner and gave me a big smile.

  ‘You’ve been holding out on me big time!’ she said,’ spill Rae, who is he? ‘  
'He’s my sisters fiancee’ I sighed.

 ‘No he’s not!’ she said in complete disbelief,’ He’s not is he? Are you serious?’ 

I nodded my head.  

‘Oh your poor sister’ she said with a little smile.  
 ‘Why would you say that?’ I asked surprised.

  ‘Because he was totally checking you out the entire time’ she continued.   
‘No he was not,’ I said firmly,’ it’s just his way, he’s very friendly’

  ‘Bullshit,’ she spat out,’ I’ve seen friendly and I’ve seen flirty, and I’ve seen it more than enough to know the difference and trust me, this guy was definitely flirty. I hope your sister knows what’s she’s getting into’ 

I let out a deep sigh.  
  ‘I’m sure she doesn’t,’ I said,’ can you take his order please? I need some air’

  ‘Sure darling’ she said as she gave me a sympathetic look and walked back to his table.  I disappeared into the kitchen, determined not to come out again before Tom had left the coffee house, even if I had to hide in here all day. 


	3. Chapter 3

I was climbing the stairs to my apartment after a long day of work, looking forward to sinking down on my couch with a bottle of wine and just hide from the world for a while, and especially from Tom. 

But when I opened my door I found the object of my recent problems occupying my couch with his enormously long legs, he was ticking away on the remote control of my tv and looked up when he heard me come in.    
I had to fight my initial reaction to just turn around and walk back through that door.  

What was he doing here? How did it become impossible for me to escape him? Not even in my own apartment now?! Is this a sign?  

I took a deep breath and tried to act like I wasn’t bothered, which of course I was, this was my safe haven, he was not supposed to be here to distract me.  

‘Hey stalker’ I joked, putting a smile on his face.    
‘I’m so sorry,’ he apologized,’ your sister let me in but she had another fitting for her dress, she thought you wouldn’t mind if I hung out here, please tell me if you do, it’s okay, it’s your apartment and I don’t want to impose’  

He was already halfway up and out of the couch before I could speak. 

‘It’s fine, stay’ I sighed and gave him what I hoped would be a friendly smile, how could I kick him out when he was being all apologetic and sweet?

  If the universe would not allow me to avoid him, I might as well just go with it, it’s not as if I really had a choice anyway.   He sat back down with a relieved smile as I took off my coat and crawled next to him on the couch, making sure I kept my distance.  

‘I was just picking out a movie, do you want to join me?’ he asked.  
 ‘Sure, why not…what are you watching?’  
 ‘I hadn’t decided yet,’ he said,’ what do you like?’

  ‘No romantic bullshit,’ I said quickly,’ anything else is fine’  
 He shook his head laughing.  
  ‘You’re not like most girls are you?’ he said as he looked at me.  I wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or just a statement.  

‘Am I not?’ I asked him as I smiled, his eyes were resting on me again and I could see his smile disappear and make room for a more serious expression.  

‘No you’re not’ he spoke softly.    
And there it was again, that awkward moment where he looked at me too long for comfort and I could feel the butterflies starting to wake up in my belly.   I looked away and back to the tv, wishing he would just pick something and start watching it, anything for this moment to be over.

  ‘There,’ I said, pointing at the first movie I saw,’ The green Mile’  
 ‘Really?’ he asked surprised,’ no romance but sad depressing drama is okay?’  
  ‘It’s a great movie!’ I insisted.  
 ‘That’s very true,’ he agreed,’ Alright, The green mile it is then’  

I got up to take a bottle of wine and two glasses from the kitchen, filled them both and handed one to Tom before I crawled back to my corner on the couch.   
‘I think we might need these’ I said as I gave him a little smile.

  ‘It’s okay,’ he said,’ if it gets too sad I will hold your hand’  

I was definitely not imagining this, he was flirting, again! 

It’s like he just couldn’t help himself it came so naturally to him.   I took a long sip from the wine and tried to ignore what he just said and how his hand on mine was now all I could think about. I crawled further back to my side of the couch while he started the movie.

  I was happy to be able to sit with him for a few hours without having to talk to him, I could see he was completely drawn into the movie and I allowed my eyes to drift.   He was wearing a blue jeans and a dark t-shirt that hugged his chest and he was sitting with his long legs wide open again, leaned back in the couch.   
His face was gorgeous in the dim light coming from the tv, his cheekbones appeared even sharper than usual and his eyes were so focussed on the screen it was almost hypnotizing, I could see him biting his lip when the scenes got more intense.    
I couldn’t help but smile and I had to force myself to look away from him and focus on the movie.  

A couple of hours later we were watching the end credits roll down the screen, I stretched my arms over my head as I sat up straight in the couch and turned to look at him.  He was still watching the screen avoiding to look at me and I could see his eyes were teary.

  ‘Are you crying?’ I asked.  
 ‘No, he said way too quickly but when he turned his head to look at me I could see the tears in his eyes.

  ‘Oh my god, do you need me to hold your hand?’ I joked, biting my lip as soon as I realized what I just said but he was so taken aback by the movie that he hadn’t noticed my poor attempt at flirting or if he did he just ignored it.

  ‘How can you not cry with this movie?’ he then asked surprised,’ it’s heart wrenching’  
 ‘It is,’ I said, more softly now,’ and I did cry the first time I saw it’

  ‘I can’t help it,’ he admitted,’ it gets me every time’   I looked at him and the little smile on his face as he was hiding the tears and wiped his cheeks.  It was the most adorable thing I had ever seen and before I realized what I did I had moved over to his side of the couch and put my hand on his knee.  

He didn’t react shocked or surprised but just took my hand and curled his fingers around mine while he rubbed my palm with his thumb and stared into my eyes.   My heart was about to jump out of my chest being so close to him all of a sudden.

  I knew I should get up right now, just take my hand back and stand up but I was unable to move. I would do anything to drag this moment and have him touch me for just a little while longer.    
His eyes had not left mine for some time now and I knew he noticed my breathing was faster than it had been before. I tried to read his expression but all I could do was drown into those gorgeous blue eyes, my mind was blank, even more than usual.  

He brought his hand to my face and let it run through my hair softly, brushing my cheek with his thumb but just when I thought he was going to lean closer he let out a deep sigh and turned away from me.   

I knew the moment was over before it even started and I quickly got up from the couch, trying to escape the awkward emptiness that hung between us now.  

‘Goodnight Tom’ I whispered and I looked back at him before I left the room, he was sitting numb in his spot on the couch and staring in front of him.   

***

  I had finally managed to find sleep after lying awake for over an hour, thinking about that moment and if I had just been imagining it, but it was a restless sleep and I woke up again around 4 o’clock that night.  
 As I tossed and turned a little I could hear movement in the other room, the guest room.  

I tried to listen more carefully and regretted it immediately…the bed was squeaking, it was pretty quiet at first but then it got louder, and then I heard the sound that really killed me: it was a deep male voice moaning, it was Tom!   
Tom was moaning louder and louder and about to have an orgasm right behind this wall. 

No! Oh fuck no!   I pulled my pillow over my ears trying to block this sound from my head but it was useless.  And just when I thought it might be over I could hear my sister screaming:’ Oh god…oh Tom…oh god yes!’  

No no no this is not happening! 

  I was out of the bed in seconds, ran through my living room in a mad rush and out of the apartment, I closed the door behind me and let out a deep sigh of relief at the silence in the hallway.   
 There was no way I could go back in there so I knocked on Wyatt’s door.

  It took him a few minutes to answer and he opened the door with messy hair, sleepy eyes and a blanket around his shoulders.

  ‘Of course it’s you’ he sighed.   
‘I request shelter’ I begged him.   On seeing my face he pulled me inside immediately and put his arms and his blanket around me. I leaned into his hug and rested my head on his shoulder.

  ‘What happened?’ Wyatt asked.   
‘Please don’t ask, I don’t wanna talk about it,’ I said as I shook my head and broke free from his hug,’ just let me have your couch’ 

He looked at me again with a worried look on his face.    
‘You can have my bed, I couldn’t sleep anyway,’ he said as he gave me the blanket and pushed me towards his bedroom,’ go sleep and tell me everything in the morning’ 

I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.    
‘Thank you’ I said softly and found my way to the bedroom, I let myself fall on the bed and pulled the pillow over my head, I could still hear Tom’s sexy moans in the back of my head, sleep was the last thing on my mind.   

*** 

After saying goodbye to Wyatt the next morning I hurried over to my apartment to get dressed when I found Clara sitting on the kitchen table.  

‘Good morning,’ she said with a big smile on her face,’ where were you last night?’

 ‘I had plans with Wyatt’ I lied, not wanting her to know that she and Tom were the reason I ran from my own apartment.

  ‘So you weren’t here at all?’ she asked, I could see a hint of relief on her face.    
‘No I wasn’t,’ I said, it had been the last thing I wanted to say about the whole thing but the huge smile on her face made me angry all of a sudden and I couldn’t keep quiet,’ but um…I would appreciate it if you and Tom kept it down next time, I’ve just had complaints from my neighbour’  

The smile disappeared from her face instantly, I know it was cruel but it made me feel a little bit better.   

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said as she brought her hand to her chest in shock,’ oh God Rae I’m sorry, I don’t want to get you in trouble with your neighbours’  
  ‘Just go to his hotel room next time’ I said as I gave her a little fake smile and disappeared into my room.  

I know, I wasn’t proud of myself either. Jealousy is an ugly beast and it hadn’t visited me for a long time, I was not ready to let it in again but I could feel it forcing its way in anyway and I was powerless to stop it.  

The thought that she was, once again, getting everything I wanted so badly was killing me, more than it ever had before because in my 32 years on this planet I had never wanted anything more than I wanted that man.   


	4. Chapter 4

The next few days went by in a flash, I focussed on work and asked for a few extra shifts so I had no trouble avoiding Tom and Clara because I was just too busy and only came home in the middle of the night to sleep and I made sure I stayed in bed until Clara had left for work.  

Kym distracted me with her stories and took me out drinking after work, which I normally always refused but right now I welcomed her invitations with open arms, anything to not be home and be confronted with the lovely couple.    
The thought of them having passionate sex in my apartment and their moans filling every room made me sick to my stomach. 

That week my main goal was to avoid going home at all cost.   But there was also that other inevitable thing I had been avoiding for a while now: visiting my parents.   

By the end of the week I could no longer postpone that one and it seemed like a better option than to go home to my apartment.  

My dad opened the door when I rang the bell at my aunt’s house where they would be staying until the wedding.    
‘Rae!’ he said with a big smile,’ we’ve been expecting you, what took you so long?’

 ‘Busy with work,’ I said which was only half a lie,’ you know how it is’  
 ‘Come in honey,’ he stepped aside as he looked at me,’ you look good’

  ‘Thanks dad’ I smiled as he let me inside and we walked to the living room together.   
‘So how is everything here?’ I asked while we walked.    
‘A world of stress,’ he said quietly,’ women and weddings, a deadly combination’  

He winked at me over his shoulder and put a smile on my face.   Me and my dad weren’t close but we always got along, whenever me and my mum had another one of our fights he would always try and keep the peace and lighten the mood between us, he was easygoing and not easily stressed, quite the opposite of my mother.

She was in the kitchen making appetizers, wearing a tight black dress covered by an apron full of little red apples, her dark hair was in a loose bun letting out a few grey hairs.  
  ‘Rae!’ she smiled as she saw me,’ finally!’

 ‘Yeah I’m sorry,’ I muttered,’ I meant to come sooner but I was busy with work’    
‘Let me look at you’ she said as she came closer and let her hand run through my hair, making me feel uncomfortable, I was sure she would find something to criticize as usual.  

‘I love your hair like this,’ she said, surprising me,’ you look good honey…but is that what you’re wearing for the party?’   
And there it is…

  ‘Party?’ I asked.   
‘Clara didn’t tell you?’ she said surprised.   
‘I haven’t really seen her the past days’ I explained.

  ‘Well you’re here now anyway,’ she smiled,’ I’m sure you can borrow one of Amy’s dresses’   
Amy was aunt Jane’s daughter and around my age and figure.    
‘What’s the party for?’ I asked.  
 ‘You know your sister,’ she said,’ she doesn’t need a reason’ I smiled as I shook my head.

  ‘It’s a pre-wedding party’ my dad said as he rolled his eyes, took one of the appetizers of the plate and disappeared into the living room again.

  ‘Your aunt suggested we should have it here since the house is big enough’ my mother explained.   
‘Do you need a hand with those?’ I asked.  
  ‘No everything is almost ready,’ she said, in control of everything as always,’ why don’t you go upstairs and pick out a nice dress?’

  I didn’t care about a nice dress, all I cared about was getting through this night in one piece.  The last thing I wanted was to see the happy couple lusting all over each other all night. Coming here might not have been my best option tonight after all, thank god there was alcohol!  

As I walked back downstairs the party was about to start, the furniture in the living room was pushed aside and the whole room was turned into a big dance floor, they had placed a few small tables and chairs in the hallway for the people who weren’t dancing and the kitchen was filled with little snacks and appetizers and smelled amazing.     
The small festive lights and candles gave the whole house the atmosphere of a big garden party, my mother and aunt had really outdone themselves.  

My dad came rushing towards me when I entered the kitchen, he was wearing a nice black suit and tie and I could see he wasn’t on his first glass of wine as his cheeks were already flushed.   
‘Rae you look amazing!’ he said as he hugged me.  I thanked him but every girl knows there is no truth in a compliment coming from her father.    
The basic black dress I was wearing covered most of my front but left quite a bit of my back open and bare, as I hadn’t planned on spending a lot of time on the dance floor I had tried on higher heels than I was used to, thank god Amy also had the same shoe size or I’d be wearing Allstars right now.

  I looked over my dad’s shoulder and saw my mother talking lively and overly enthusiastic to a group of people that just walked in, she loved to play the hostess and I could tell she was completely in her element tonight.    
As I let my eyes glance over the rest of the room I felt someone grab my hand and I almost jumped when I turned around to see who it was.

  ‘Hello Rae’ Tom said with a little smile as he leaned in and kissed my cheek, catching me off guard completely, I had no time to back away or catch my breath.  
  ‘You look beautiful’ his voice caressed my skin and I shivered as he leaned back and looked into my eyes.    
‘Hi…’ I stuttered, trying to find my words, I hadn’t seen him in a few days and I seemed to had forgotten how breathtakingly gorgeous he was.

  ‘You clean up pretty nicely too’ I said as I managed to control myself and find my English again.   If he was going to act like nothing happened that night then two could play that game, I gave him a confident smile and tried not to get distracted by how good he looked in his black suit.  

‘Thank you’ he said almost shyly, avoiding my compliment.    
‘Where’s Clara?’ I asked.   
‘She’s stuck in court, she’s probably not going to make it,’ he said and he leaned closer to me as his voice dropped,’ you’ll have to keep me company tonight’  

Oh come on, how am I supposed to ignore this?!   
  I tried not to react to his obvious flirting and just nodded my head as I pretended to feel sorry for her,’ oh no, missing out on her own party?’

 ‘The job always comes first’ he sighed.   I could have sworn there was a hint of judgement in there, I’m sure it wasn’t the first time her job came in between her personal life.  Then again, he didn’t really have a regular nine to five job either.  

‘So will you join me on the dance floor?’ he asked.    
‘Not in these heels’ I said with a little smile as I started walking towards the hallway to find a seat, my father was already sitting down and waved at me to sit with him.  I smiled thankfully.  
  ‘I’ll see you later Tom’ I said as I left him standing alone.

  ‘Charming young man isn’t he?’ my father said as he handed me a glass of wine.  
 ‘Very charming,’ I sighed,’ him and Clara seem happy together’ 

My dad stayed quiet.  
  ‘Don’t they?’ I asked when he didn’t say anything.  He shrugged his shoulders.    
‘I don’t know,’ he then said,’ they fight easily’    
‘All couples fight,’ I said,’ especially right before the wedding, it’s a stressful time’ 

‘It shouldn’t be, Rae,’ he said,’ it should be a time to enjoy each other, God knows it’s all downhill after that’    
I nodded my head and smiled at him.    
‘So I’m assuming you’re not jumping up and down about this wedding?’ I asked carefully.   
‘None of my business,’ he said as he raised his hands,’ it’s their life’  

‘And mum?’ I asked.  
 ‘Well…I actually think he’s winning her over’ he said as he pointed to the dance floor.   Tom was swinging my mother across the floor, I hadn’t seen a smile that big on her face in years as Tom caught her in his arms and spun her around again. I shook my head in disbelief, that charming bastard!

I tried to take my eyes off him as they walked to our table when the song was finished.

  ‘Oh my!’ my mother laughed as she leaned against my chair,’ I didn’t know I could still do that! Honey you take over for me’   
She almost pushed me out of my chair and I knew I had no choice but to get up.

  ‘I’m really not dressed for dancing’ I protested but she only pushed me closer towards Tom.    
‘Dance with your brother in law Rae for God’s sake’ she sank down in my chair and let out a deep sigh.   I turned to face Tom and saw the big smile on his face as he reached his hand out to me.  

‘Come on,’ he said,’ I promise I’ll be gentle’

I followed him to the dance floor where the upbeat disco music had stopped and was replaced by a slow Ed Sheeran song.  Motherfucking perfect…  

I looked up at Tom and could see his face was serious, troubled all of a sudden, what was he hiding behind that smile of his? 

‘Are you okay?’ I asked.   He nodded his head as he put his hands on my waist and lead me into the song.     
‘I’m sorry Clara’s not here,’ I said, assuming that was the reason for him being a bit down tonight,’ I’m sure she’d be here if she could’

 ‘That’s not…’ he said quietly,’ I’m sorry, It’s fine, it’s her job, I don’t mind’  

He pulled me a little closer to him, making me feel the warmth of his body against mine, I carefully put my arms around his neck, it felt nice to be this close to him, he was a good slow dancer, not too fast and not too slow, I felt like I was being led by the music and his arms around me.  

When I worked up the nerve to search his eyes again I lost my breath for a second, he was already staring at me with a dreamy look in his eyes but there was also a sadness in there that was impossible to deny.     
We stared for a while and then he rested his forehead against mine, I could feel his breath on my cheek and closed my eyes. 

For a moment I forgot all about the other people on the dance floor around us and the fact that my parents were sitting close by.   All I could focus on was him, I was not imagining this, the way his eyes looked into mine was not the way you look at your sister in law, and for the first time it dawned on me that maybe I was not crazy and it was not all just in my head. 

Kym had been right, this is not just being friendly, this is flirting and crossing lines that shouldn’t be crossed.   I opened my eyes and we stared at each other again, the sadness had changed, he still looked serious but there was a determination in there now and I realised that whatever I was feeling, he was feeling it too.    
I felt his fingers softly climbing up the bare skin of my back as he pulled me closer to him, there was no denying any of it now, I felt myself melt under his touch and my brain was shutting down.   I knew I had to stop this right now but I didn’t want to. I was pulled in by his scent, the feel of his body against mine, his fingers and eyes all over me.

  ‘Rae…’ he whispered into my ear as he lowered his head and I could feel his lips brush my neck for just a few seconds,’ look at me’

  I stared into his eyes as I shook my head,’ Clara..’   
‘Clara’s not here’ he said softly.  
  ‘But she should be’ I said, my arms were still holding him close to me but my words were taking their distance from him.   He didn’t say anything but I could see the troubled look on his face again.  

‘You’re marrying her,’ I said,’ you love her…right?’  For the first time he broke eye contact and stayed quiet.    
‘Right?’ I asked again, a little louder now.

 ‘I’m not sure,’ he sighed,’ I’m not…’    
I bit my lip, still struggling to listen to my common sense and break free from his arms but his hands felt so amazing I couldn’t move away.  

‘I’m sorry,’ he continued,’ I shouldn’t have said anything…please just keep dancing with me, Rae’     
His hands were still stroking my back and sending shivers up my spine, I know I should have stepped back but I didn’t, I wanted to stay in his arms more than anything so instead of walking away I just pulled him close to me and let him hug me.  

Neither of us said another word but we just kept dancing and holding onto each other, looking up every now and then to search for each others eyes and stare for a few seconds before breaking eye contact again.  

When they stopped playing slow songs we just stopped our dance, I looked into his eyes one more time and then just left the living room, I fled to the kitchen as quickly as my feet could drag me there in these heels.  
 It was full of people and when I also saw my mother there it all felt too much, I needed a way out, I grabbed a glass of wine from the counter and disappeared upstairs.

  I ran to the window and sank down on the windowsill as I felt the cold night air brush my face softly.

  Nothing happened, you didn’t do anything that you can’t take back yet Rae, it will be okay, nothing happened, nothing happened…  

Fuck! Of all the guys I could have fallen for why did it have to be him?  The one I couldn’t have?!   Why do bad things keep happening to good people?! 

Okay to be fair, I probably wouldn’t be considered ‘good people’, if I was I would have pulled away from him right from the start. Good people don’t flirt back with other people’s fiancé.  

I let out a deep sigh of frustration and took another sip of wine when I heard someone walk up the stairs coming towards me.   I was ready to flee the room when I saw the last person I expected, my mother.  

‘Mum?’ I said surprised.   
‘I thought I would find you here,’ she said as she sat down beside me on the windowsill,’ why did you leave the party?’  

‘Why did you?’ I asked.   
‘Sometimes even the hostess needs a break,’ she said as she gave me a worried look,’ tell me what’s bothering you Rae’  
  ‘Nothing’ I shrugged my shoulders.

 ‘If it was nothing you wouldn’t be out here,’ she said,’ I’ve never known you to run away from a party where they have food’  

I couldn’t help but laugh, my mother didn’t know me very well but she was very right about that.  
  ‘It’s nothing,’ I said again,’ it’s not important’  
 ‘Rae,’ she sighed,’ can you for once just tell me the truth’

  ‘Alright, it’s Tom!’ I blurted out, immediately regretting it,’ it’s nothing…I’m a stupid stupid girl’

  ‘I’ve seen the way he looks at you Rae,’ my mother said, leaving me stuck for words as I looked at her in shock,’ I don’t know any girl that wouldn’t get weak in the knees’   
‘That’s not…’ I sighed as I bit my lip, I had started this confession but had no idea how far to take it now.  

‘How serious?’ my mother asked while she looked at me.  The sympathetic look on her face made me decide to just come clean.  

‘He’s all I ever wanted mum’ I said and saying it out loud brought tears to my eyes.  I expected a slap in the face, or at least an angry outburst, but she did the last thing I expected.   She put her arms around me and hugged me, making me tear up even more. 

‘Oh sweet Rae’ she sighed.   
‘Why aren’t you angry with me?’ I sobbed.    
‘Because I think you’re angry enough with yourself’ she said as she looked at me again.

 ‘I’m trying to ignore it’ I continued, sucking up the tears,’ I know it’s not right and I know he loves Clara’  

My mother let out a small laugh.   
‘Oh please,’ she then said,’ they’ve known each other for 5 months and they aren’t married yet, if he doesn’t love her I would like him to realize that now and not later’  
  ‘But…’ I could hardly believe these words coming out of my mother’s mouth.  

‘I want Clara to be happy Rae,’ she continued,’ but I want you to be happy too’ 

‘We can’t both be happy with the same guy,’ I said as I laughed, it was a desperate laugh,’ I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m laughing, nothing about this is funny’    
My mother shook her head.

  ‘Don’t be afraid of what you want Rae,’ she said,’ if he’s worth the risk then take it, the worst things to regret are the ones you didn’t do. Sometimes being selfish is the only real option you have’  

She got up and walked back downstairs, leaving me alone and baffled, who was that woman and what had she done to my mother?   


	5. Chapter 5

I closed the door of my flat behind me and welcomed the silence, I went back to the party after my mother talked to me but I hadn’t seen Tom again, apparently he left early which was the only reason I decided to stay until the end.  

I sank down on the couch, replaying the night over and over again in my head, especially the part with Tom.  He felt the same way…or he felt something similar at least. 

I wasn’t sure if that made everything better or just worse? It didn’t change anything did it?    
My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.  

I let out a deep sigh, I did not feel like seeing anyone else tonight, especially not my sister and I didn’t feel like being questioned by Wyatt, I opened the door and had to catch my breath for a minute.   I was staring right into Tom’s blue eyes.

 ‘I…hi’ I said and I felt my voice shaking with nerves.   
‘Hello Rae,’ he said softly,’ can I please come in?’  
  ‘Clara’s not here’ I said a little too quickly.  
 ‘I know she’s not here,’ he said softly,’ I don’t want her, I want you’  

My breath was stuck in my throat for a second, I’m sure he hadn’t meant that the way it sounded.    
‘That came out wrong, right?’ I asked.   
‘No it didn’t actually’ he said as he pushed his way into the doorway, put his hands on my waist and pushed me up against the wall as he closed the door behind us with his foot.  
  I was caught between him and the wall and his eyes staring me down.  His body was pushing up against mine and I could have sworn the bulge in his pants was growing bigger by the second.  

‘Tell me that I’m reading it all wrong, that there is nothing here,’ he said, his voice was so deep and slow, almost hypnotizing me with his words,’ tell me you don’t want this and I’ll go, right now’    
I couldn’t form any words, all I did was put my arms around him as I leaned in closer, before my lips reached his he moved forward and pulled me into a deep passionate kiss, his soft lips opened mine with ease, I had no choice but to let him in, his tongue seemed to be everywhere I needed it to be.   
 I hadn’t been kissed like this in a very long time, scratch that, I had never been kissed like that, kisses like that only happen in movies, not in real life and definitely not in my life.  

To make things worse he was softly moaning in between kissing me and it turned me on beyond reason, I would never be able to resist this man or be able to stop here.   He pushed me up against the wall and there was no doubt that the bulge in his pants was a lot bigger now than it was a few minutes ago.   His hands were running up my bare back to my shoulders, where he slowly pulled the top of my dress down to my waist, exposing my bra and putting his arms around my back as his lips were caressing and licking my neck.   

My breathing was so fast I couldn’t think straight and I didn’t want to anymore either, I was tired of ignoring it, I just wanted him, so badly.  

‘Tom…’ I whispered as my fingers were pulling at his curls to hold him closer to me.  He pulled my legs up around his waist and I eagerly opened them up to him and allowed him to push his growing erection into my center as I kissed his mouth again.   

Why did he have to feel so good? I hadn’t felt this hungry for a man for as long as I could remember.  I just wanted him to take all of me but at this point my brain was starting to scream at me, pulling my attention away from this gorgeous man and what I wanted to do to him and suddenly all I could see was my sister’s face.  

‘Wait…’ I said in between heavy breathing,’ wait…stop!’  

He backed away as soon as I said stop and I could see the disappointment in his eyes but there was also something else, he realized the same thing I just did.   

We couldn’t do this.   We were still holding each other’s hands and trying to control our breathing, I tried to avoid his eyes.  I was strong but not that strong, if he really wanted to this man could make me forget all about the few principles I had left.  

‘I can’t do this to her…I can’t,’ I sighed,’ I want to…God I want to…’    
I bit my lip and pulled my hands from his while I stepped away from him.  
  ‘But I’m not going to,’ I stated,’ you should leave…’  

Please leave before I change my mind…  

He nodded his head.   
‘I’m sorry,’ he said softly, he didn’t look at me again but just walked through the door.  I leaned against the wall as I pulled my dress back up and tried to put out the fire he had put inside of me, fighting the urge to just run after him.   

I let out a frustrated sigh, I couldn’t just stay here so I rushed over to Wyatt’s apartment.  
 Please be home, please be home…  

The door opened and his face lit up as he saw me.   
‘Wow, you look gorgeous’ he said as he looked at my dress but his smile was gone quickly as soon as his eyes rested on my face,’ Rae?’  

I hid my face in my hand and started crying, I hardly ever cry and this was the second time in one night, how did I become such a sobbing mess?    
There was no stopping the tears now that I had given into it. 

 ‘It’s okay Rae, it’s going to be okay’ Wyatt put his arms around me and guided me into his apartment.  

I woke up on his couch the next morning, Wyatt walked up to me holding two cups of coffee.  

‘Okay,’ Wyatt said as he sat down next to me,’ I think it’s time you told me what’s been going on’  
 I nodded my head and took a sip of coffee.  
  ‘I’m in love with him’ I confessed.  I could see Wyatt roll his eyes.

  ‘Please don’t judge me,’ I begged him,’ I’ve tried to deny it but I can’t, and I know it’s crazy because I’ve only known him for like 2 weeks…but when you know…you just know.’   
  I shook my head laughing when I realized those were my sister’s exact words.    
‘He came to my apartment last night and we kissed,’ I continued,’ it was more than just kissing actually’   
‘Tell me you did not sleep with him?’ Wyatt interrupted me.

  ‘I didn’t sleep with him,’ I sighed,’ I had a temporary moment of sanity and I stopped myself but…if it happens again I don’t know if I’ll be that strong again’    
Wyatt shook his head and looked at me with a very serious look on his face.

 ‘I don’t know what to tell you,’ he then said,’ except for: woman snap out of it!’ 

He raised his voice at me, which I had never heard him do before.  
  ‘I don’t mean to yell at you,’ he said as he raised his hands,’ but really, just stop! I’m going to take you out tonight and we’re going to find you a cute guy to spend the night with, you just need to get laid trust me’

  ‘This is not about sex Wyatt!’ I protested but he immediately rolled his eyes at me,’ okay it’s not ALL about sex’  

I didn’t want sex with just any guy, I wanted sex with Tom and I hid my face in my hands again at that realisation and let out another frustrated sigh.  

‘Okay I will not rest before you get fucked tonight’ Wyatt then stated, making me smile and shake my head.  

‘I’m already fucked’ I then sighed.

***

  It was a good plan, and I am sure it would have worked on most girls, the problem is I was not like most girls.   Not one of the guys Wyatt introduced me to even peaked my interest or woke up the tiniest little butterfly, all I could think of was how his eyes were too dark, or he wasn’t tall enough, not funny enough, too old, too serious, bit of a know it all, his suit was too big, his hands were too small, he wouldn’t look at me while I talked,…

It didn’t matter if they were cute or intelligent, and some of them actually were, all that mattered was that none of them were Tom.  

I only stayed because I didn’t want to be rude and I was thankful for Wyatt’s efforts but I was relieved when the night was over and I could just go home again.   Locking the door behind me I could finally let out a relieved sigh, until I saw her sitting on my couch.   
Her legs were pulled up under a blanket and she was just staring out in front of her in the dark room.  

‘Clara?’ I asked carefully.  When she turned her head to look at me I could see the tears in her eyes.

 ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.    
‘It’s Tom’ she sobbed, sending shivers through my spine. 

Oh no…

  ‘Did…something happen?’ I asked hesitantly as I made my way to the couch and sat down next to her.  
 ‘You tell me,’ she said through her tears,’ you were at the party tonight, did something happen? Did he seem distracted or upset?’  

‘He seemed a bit upset that you weren’t there’ I said as I avoided her eyes. 

What? It wasn’t a complete lie.  

She shook her head.   
‘What happened?’ I asked again.

  ‘I have never seen him so cold and distant,’ she said,’ and he…’ 

Her tears were taking over again and I put my arm around her shoulder.    
‘He said he wants to postpone the wedding,’ she cried,’ that it’s too soon and that he’s not sure anymore’

  I could feel my heart jump in my chest.

  ‘I mean what the hell Rae?!’ she continued,’ he was the one that wanted to marry this quickly and now he’s backing out?! Fucking ass!’    
‘It’s probably just cold feet,’ I tried to calm her down, and myself in the process,’ I mean…I’m no expert on men but I’ve heard they tend to freak out when the date comes closer’    
I managed to draw a little smile out of her as she wiped her tears away.

  ‘You think so?’ she asked.   
‘I’m sure,’ I said,’ he’ll come around again, you’ll see.’  

She was wiping away her tears as she gave me a sympathetic little smile.  
 ‘Look at you Clara,’ I continued,’ how could he NOT love you?!’

I know, I’m a bad person and I will probably go to hell for this…

 ***

I had managed to calm her down, but that of course didn’t really solve the problem and it made me feel like crap for lying to her.  

Tom wanted to postpone the wedding?! For me? Or because his stupid little crush on me made him doubt his true feelings for Clara? Was it even a crush or just lust? 

I was certain of my feelings, there was no doubt in my mind, I knew it was more than just a crush, I’ve had those before and they never felt this…crushing.  

So what I did a few days later was probably the worst idea ever…  

Clara had given mum and dad 2 front row tickets to go see Tom perform live on stage, when my dad backed out my mum wouldn’t take no for an answer. I tried to get out of it any way I could but she wouldn’t hear any of my silly excuses, I was left with no choice, she would have dragged me by my hair if I didn’t cooperate.

So that night I was sitting in the front row of the Donmar theatre in Covent Garden, trying not to strangle my mother for bringing me here.   She fully believed confrontation was always the best way to deal with something, I knew within seconds of sitting in the theatre that this would not work here.  

Tom was only on stage for a few minutes and I was already crumbling, the emotion and the passion was bouncing off of him, not to mention that I was completely distracted by his tights pants.    
The theatre was one of the smallest I had ever been to, being in the front row was almost the same as being literally on stage with him.  There was no way to run or hide, I never knew Shakespeare was this exciting, this raw and this intense…or this sexy.  

I was shifting in my seat and this was all before the infamous shower scene where Tom takes a shower in the middle of the stage and shows off his perfect chest.  As he was shaking his head wildly I could feel the small drops of water on my face and I tried to avert my eyes. 

When I looked at my mother I noticed she was doing the exact opposite, her eyes were glued to him and she let out a little excited giggle, making me shake my head in disbelief.  

‘He is something isn’t he?!’ she whispered in a smile.  
 ‘Mum…’ I sighed but I couldn’t help but smile a little bit.   

If this didn’t prove that Tom’s charm and acting skills were out of this world nothing would, he had just defrosted the ice queen. She was fucking giggling like a teenage girl!  

All I could do was sit back and be amazed.   I was a little relieved when the end of the play neared, but the emotions on the stage were only growing in intensity and I was finding it hard to keep my eyes away from Tom. 

He was crying, and I did not handle a crying man very well.   I kept it together right up to the scene where he said goodbye to his mother, the way he looked at her and the tears running down his face were too much for me to take and I could feel my own tears rolling down my cheeks.  

My mother noticed and took my hand to squeeze it softly.   
‘Oh sweetie’ she said and I could see the tears in her eyes too.  

I was struggling to stay in my seat but she wouldn’t let go of my hand and held me in place.   
‘It’s okay Rae,’ she whispered,’ let it go, it will be alright’  
I squeezed her hand while my eyes did not let go of Tom, it felt like he was looking directly at me and we were crying together but I realized he probably couldn’t even see me through all these lights.  

What happened after that was a blur, I remember Tom getting pulled up by his legs and I remember looking away and covering my eyes as his character died.   
I don’t remember actually getting up from my seat and leaving the theatre only that for once I was grateful to have my mother with me.   That feeling only lasted until we were in the hallway though… 

‘We have to go say hello to him’ she said.    
‘I’m sure he is busy and very tired,’ I tried to talk her out of it,’ and besides they are not just going to let everyone in there with him’

 ‘But we are family’ she insisted as she dragged me by my arm towards the dressing rooms.  
 ‘Can we please just go home?’ I pleaded.  

‘Rae,’ she sighed as she stopped and turned to me,’ you are going in there and you are going to talk through whatever it is you two need to talk through’ 

I was too shocked by her bluntness to think of a response.

  ‘And you are not coming out until it is solved’ she continued. I opened my mouth to speak but she raised her hand to stop me.    
‘Whatever you decide I will support you,’ she then spoke,’ but you can’t leave it like this honey, it is killing you’

The softer tone in her voice brought tears to me eyes again.  
  ‘Why are you being so supportive?’ I asked quietly,’ he is supposed to marry Clara’  
 ‘That doesn’t mean she is the one he is supposed to be with,’ she said as she took a deep sigh,’ I never told you how I met your father did I?’

I shook my head.  
 ‘I thought you met through a mutual friend or something’ I said.  
 ‘Yes,’ she smiled,’ well that mutual friend was my fiancee at the time’  

My mouth literally fell open in shock.  
  ‘He was the one I was supposed to marry, not your dad,’ she explained,’ and it took me months to realize that and give into it, if I hadn’t been such a coward it would all have been handled a lot quicker and been a lot less painful for everyone involved’

  I shook my head,’ Mum…I never…’

  ‘Life is too short to waste time, Rae,’ she then spoke,’ if you want something don’t wait…because time is not going to wait for you, now is all you have. Now get in there and talk to him’


	6. Chapter 6

I could feel my hand starting to shake as I raised it to knock on the door of Tom’s dressing room. Part of me was hoping he just wouldn’t be there and I would be let off the hook but that was of course not the case.

He opened the door and I stared right into those baby blue eyes.  I had to swallow when I lowered my eyes and noticed his naked chest and the towel around his shoulders, his hair was still wet from the shower.  

‘Rae,’ he smiled and opened the door further to let me in,’ I was hoping to see you tonight.’ 

He closed the door behind us, leaving me alone with him in the cramped and quiet dressing room.   I stayed as close to the door as I could as he leaned against the table and put the towel on the chair, my eyes were drawn to his naked perfectly muscled chest, which was the last thing I needed right now.   I couldn’t focus on anything else than the desire to let my hands run over it, this was bad, I needed to concentrate and form words and he was way too gorgeous and naked for that to happen.  

‘Can you please put on a shirt?’ I asked with a little sigh.   
‘Oh I’m sorry,’ he said as he grabbed a white t shirt and put it on quickly,’ I’m sorry that was rude of me.’

  ‘It’s fine,’ I said as I looked at him again, this wasn’t much better, I could still see his perfect chest through the white shirt but the soft expression on his face made me relax a little bit,’ you were amazing out there, I never knew Shakespeare was that exciting or that brutal.’

  ‘Thank you,’ he smiled,’ I’m glad I got to show you that. Did your mum enjoy it?’   
‘You made her cry,’ I said with a little smile,’ the last time she cried was…well, probably when I moved out…and I’m sure those were happy tears.’  

He shook his head smiling.  ‘You impressed both of us’ I stated. ‘Can I be honest?’ his voice had dropped a little and he was up and moving towards me,’ you’re the one I wanted to impress most tonight.’

‘Stop,’ I said and he stopped walking immediately but his eyes stayed focussed on my face,’ why did you postpone the wedding?’

I could see him take a deep sigh before taking one step closer to me.    
‘Because…,’ he said softly,’ I don’t love Clara…if I did…I would not be thinking about you all the time.’

My heart was making a jump and he stepped even closer to me, his face was almost touching mine now.   
‘You’re all I think about Rae,’ he continued,’ and it drives me crazy, YOU drive me crazy’

  I shook my head in a little smile.  
 ‘It’s just a stupid crush,’ I then said,’ it will blow over, you are not in love with me…it’s just infatuation and it will pass.’

 I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince more, him or myself, it didn’t matter because I no longer believed any word coming out of my mouth at this point.

  ‘You should just marry her’ I sighed.  
 ‘How can I?’ he shook his head.  
  ‘Because this…’ my voice was starting to shake now,’ us, can not happen Tom, don’t you see that? It doesn’t matter what you do, I still can’t…she would never forgive me! My family…’ 

I bit my lip as I shook my head.  
‘So what? We just ignore this?’ his voice was louder now, I could feel the frustration in every word,’ Pretend like this is nothing? This is not nothing to me Rae! I know what a stupid crush feels like and this is not it…you are the most amazing woman I have ever met, I can’t just ignore that.’

  ‘You don’t even know me yet,’ I spoke more quietly.  
 ‘I know enough to know,’ he whispered.

  I was balling my fists and biting my lip to stop from crying.    
‘Can we not talk about this?’ he then asked.  
  ‘What is there to talk about?’ I sighed,’ It doesn’t matter what we say, I’m not going to hurt my sister… there is no possible scenario in which we end up together…so there’s no point to this.’ 

I turned around and wanted to open the door when I suddenly felt his hands on my waist, pulling me against him, his eyes searching mine for anything, a glimmer of hope, a crack in this wall I had put up, as if my eyes would say what my lips were afraid to.  

‘Rae…,’ he spoke softly.  
 ‘Anything you say is just going to hurt me more,’ I said, my voice was starting to shake from all the emotion,’ so if you care for me at all, you will give me back my peace and let me go.’  
His hands were still resting on my waist, his fingers were sinking into my skin as he stared into my eyes. 

‘I can’t do that,’ he whispered and before I could say anything else his lips were on mine and everything I had just said turned to dust.  

I put my hands in his hair and pulled him close, his arms tightened around my waist as we both deepened the kiss. His lips and tongue made me forget everything else, I was in another place, drowning in his smell and his soft caresses all over my mouth and neck.

  ‘I can’t walk away from you,’ he whispered in between kissing me.  
 ‘I don’t want you to,’ I said softly, there was not a hint of protest left in my voice, instead it was dripping with my desire for him and I knew he recognized it.  

He guided me towards the dressing table and lifted me up to sit down on it, my legs found their way around his waist as I pulled him in and heard him let out a deep moan as his growing erection pushed against my center.  His lips were on my neck and as I rolled my hips he bit down on my skin and I could hear the deep growl in the back of his throat as he was trying to control himself.

  ‘If we continue this I won’t be able to stop myself,’ his voice was almost shaking and his mouth was on my shoulder as his hands pulled my top up a little higher.  I gasped as his fingers touched my naked skin and I pulled him close to me, desperate for more contact.

 ‘Please…I don’t want you to stop’ I whispered as I bit his earlobe.  I didn’t recognize myself, who was this horny woman almost begging for his touch, completely enslaved to her desires?   
This could not be me…

I may have been single for a long time but it never made me desperate for a man or for sex, I could take care of myself well enough in that department but Tom was different, I never lusted after anyone the way I did with him, it was stronger than myself and stronger than my need to do good by my sister.  

Every ounce of conscience was gone from this room as we clung to each other with our entire bodies, groping, kissing, licking, pulling and pushing until our need just became too much to hold in any longer.    
He pushed my skirt up and pulled my panties down, while I pulled them off my legs he had his pants open and down to his knees, quickly grabbing my waist again and pulling my legs around him.   I gasped as I felt his hardness press against my wet center, making us both moan out loud, he pushed his way in slowly and carefully and held me up in his arms.   
 I could hear my name on his lips as he entered me and he buried his face against my neck.  Our heavy breaths and moans were the only thing filling the small room now and with every noise he made I wanted him more.  

‘Rae’ he whispered again and we looked at each other, realizing the sudden intimacy, there was no way back now.  He started thrusting in and out of me slowly, my eyes fell closed and my fingers sank into his shoulders as I let the feeling take over.  

God he was good at this, he knew exactly how to move to make it feel good for both of us, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any better his fingers sank down to touch my clit and rubbed it slowly.  
  I could tell by his moans he was already close but he was still taking his time with me, making sure I was right there with him before he picked up his pace and his thrusts started to become faster and harder, leaving me breathless in his arms. 

He was losing control and I could feel the heat build up inside until it was almost too much to bear.   When his tongue licked my lips and he opened me up to kiss me again in between moaning my name I was pushed over the edge and I could feel my walls clench around him.    
I felt him shudder inside me as he came and bit down on my shoulder as his arms tightened around me. 

He wouldn’t let go while we both fought to catch our breath and come down from our high.  

‘Tom,’ I whispered, holding on to him as I searched his eyes. They were still filled with desire as he looked at me with a little satisfied smile on his face.

‘That was…even better than I dreamed it would be,’ he spoke and he leaned in to kiss my lips softly,’ I wanted to do that since the first time I laid eyes on you…Rae…I really…’ 

‘Please don’t say anything else right now,’ I begged him as I held him tight and closed my eyes, hoping to linger in this bliss a little while longer before having to think about what we had just done.

  He ate his words and let his hands run over my back and into my hair as he held me tight, we both stayed quiet, our calming breaths the only sound filling the small dressing room.  

***  

Reality hit me the next morning, as I knew it would, it felt like last night had been nothing but a dream but then I vividly remembered his hands on me and his moans in my ear and there was no way I could deny it had actually happened. 

My sister’s fiancee cheated on her, with me, and I let him, encouraged him even.

 This morning my whole ‘we’re not that close’ excuse seemed more lame than ever, she was still my sister, my only sister and I knew she loved him. There was no excuse for what I did, none…  

I dragged myself to the kitchen, checking to see if Clara had already left for work, I let out a relieved sigh when I saw the room was empty and I sank down on a chair at my kitchen table.  I hadn’t missed a day of work since I worked in the coffee house but today I felt like calling in sick and just hiding in bed all day. I grabbed my phone to check on Wyatt and almost dropped it on the ground when it started ringing. 

My sister’s name popped up on the screen.  

‘Shit’ I sighed and let it go to voicemail but she immediately called me back.   I let out another nervous sigh and picked up.

 ‘Rae?’ her voice was shaking and though I could barely hear her I was sure she was crying.

 ‘Clara?’ I asked, bracing myself for whatever she had to say, the worst possible scenarios ran through my mind.   Did Tom talk to her? Tell her he didn’t just want to postpone the wedding but call if off all together? Did he tell her why?  

I could definitely hear her crying now and my heart sank, whatever happened I had no choice but to deal with it.  

‘Tell me what happened,’ I told her as I closed my eyes and prepared for the worst, but nothing I had imagined could have prepared me for her next words.  

‘Rae…,’ she sobbed,’ you need to come to the hospital…it’s mum.’


	7. Chapter 7

As I walked into the waiting room of the ER I found Clara sitting down with her head in her hands and my dad standing next to her with his hand on her shoulder. I couldn’t see their faces and my heart sank.   
None of this felt like it was really happening.

‘Dad?’ I whispered in a shaky voice.

 He looked up and I could see his face was pale, making me cry instantly.  
 ‘Honey, it’s okay,’ he rushed towards me and put his arms around me,’ she will be fine, it was just a scare.’ 

I exhaled and let my tears flow in relief.  
  ‘God, what happened?’ I sobbed.   
‘She fainted and I couldn’t wake her up’ Clara said as she stood up, I noticed the bags under her bloodshot eyes and how badly her hands were shaking.  

‘Clara found her,’ my dad explained.   
‘Oh my god, are you alright?’ I asked worried.   She just nodded her head and I could see she was still fighting back tears. Part of me wanted to hug her but I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it so I just put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently.

‘Tom,’ my dad’s voice startled me and I took a step back from Clara as Tom came rushing towards us.  

His hair was messy and his shirt wrinkled, it looked like he had been in a hurry to get here.    
‘How is she?’ he asked quietly, his voice covered in worry.

‘She’s going to be fine,’ my dad reassured him,’ thank you for coming, son.’  
  ‘Of course,’ Tom said with a relieved smile and I could see his eyes move to me and then to Clara, and back to me again to finally rest on her face as he rushed towards her and pulled her into his arms. 

I took a few more steps back, away from them and trying to ignore the painful sting of jealousy that washed through me.

She cried when he held her and buried her face against his chest.  I looked away and wanted to block out the sound of his soothing warm voice as he tried to calm her down.   I was relieved when the nurse came to see us and I could focus my attention on something else.

 ‘She’s ready to see you guys,’ the nurse smiled,’ one at a time though.’  
  ‘Dad?’ I started to ask the question but he immediately nodded his head and put his hand on my shoulder.  

The urge to see my mother was big but the need to get out of this room as soon as possible was even bigger so I sighed a breath of relief when my dad spoke. 

‘It’s okay, you go first,’ he said with an encouraging smile.

***

  I had expected to find my mother leaned back into the comfortable pillows on the bed with a weak or tired expression on her face.   Instead she sat up straight on the side of the bed and had already put her blouse back on, ready to leave this place as soon as she could.  

Of course, how was I expecting anything else?

  ‘Mom?’ I asked carefully.  
 ‘Rae,’ her smile lit up her face,’ honey, you didn’t have to come.’  
‘Didn’t have to come?!’ I said in shock,’ mom, they couldn’t get you to wake up!’

‘Oh, they’re overreacting,’ she said as she waved her hand in the air,’ I’m perfectly fine.’  
‘You can’t be perfectly fine, you fainted,’ I threw back.  

‘It was just a little fainting fit,’ she insisted,’ I’ve been a bit stressed out by the wedding preparations, haven’t eaten a lot in the past days, that’s all.’

I kept my eyes on her without saying anything else for a few moments, searching her face for any signs that she might be lying.  

 ‘What?’ she asked as she stared back at me.

  ‘Mom are you dying?’ I then asked bluntly.  
  ‘What?’ she asked shocked,’ Rae why would you…?’    
‘The things you said to me the past days,’ I sighed,’ about not wasting time, regretting what you didn’t do and life being too short and all.’

She put her hands on my shoulders and gave them a firm shake.   
‘No Rae, no!’ she insisted and she looked straight into my eyes,’ I am not dying, okay.’ 

I shook my head and let out a relieved sigh.  
  ‘I’ve just had a little cancer scare 6 months ago,’ she then confessed.   
‘What?!’ I whispered in shock.  

‘It was a false alarm,’ she immediately said,’ there was a lump in my chest and we thought…but it wasn’t, I’m fine.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked.   
‘We didn’t want to worry you,’ she said.    
‘We?’ I then asked, noticing her choice of words,’ you and dad?’

  ‘And Clara,’ she said quietly,’ she went to the hospital with me.’  
 ‘You told Clara and not me?’ I asked and I shook my head in shock.

  ‘I’m sorry Rae,’ she sighed,’ we just…didn’t want to worry you in case it was nothing, you have your own life and…’

 ‘You think because I left that I don’t want you guys to be a part of that life?’ I asked, my emotions were completely taking over now.    
‘Isn’t that why you left?’ she threw back. 

‘Well…maybe it was,’ I admitted,’ but…I still want to know what goes on in your lives, god, mom! How could you keep this from me?’    
She shook her head with a little smile.  
 ‘I’m sorry, but I’m fine Rae,’ she then repeated,’ you don’t need to worry about me, now go get me a doctor who can tell me when I’m getting out of this place, I really want to go home.’

As I left the room I wasn’t sure what was stronger, the feeling of relief that my mother was alright or the feeling of being completely neglected by my family.   
Was it really that surprising after all those years?   

My mother had it wrong though, I didn’t leave because I had wanted to get away from them, I left because I knew they wanted me to, I was always the one in the way.  Even now, my sister was getting married and I was the one messing it all up, once again my family would be better off with me out of the picture.  

I was making my way through the hallway and back to the waiting room, keeping my eyes down as my mind was drifting off, all I could think of was going back home and crashing on Wyatt’s couch, right now I desperately wanted to get back to the life I had grown used to for the past years, a life in which my family was just a footnote and nothing more.  
 It was better that way, for everybody, even for me probably.  

But as I turned the corner I bumped right into him bringing me back to reality in an instant.  
 ‘Tom…’ I whispered as I looked up into his worried face and soft eyes.   
‘Is she alright?’ he asked,’ you look upset’

‘She’s fine,’ I said as I stepped back from him and avoided his eyes,’ shouldn’t you go back to comforting my sister?’

He grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him, forcing me to look into his eyes again as he took a step closer, almost pushing me against the wall. 

‘Are you alright?’ he then asked softly.   
‘Not really,’ I whispered.

  ‘What can I do?’ he asked, his voice was so soft and caring and his eyes showed the same emotion, his hand was still holding mine, rubbing my palm softly with his thumb. I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around me right now but I just shook my head and looked at the people around us in the hallway.  

Before I could answer he pulled me with him and guided me into one of the small maintenance rooms and closed the door behind us.  

‘What are you doing?’ I asked shocked.  
 ‘Talking to you without you looking over your shoulder every ten seconds’ he said.  

We stayed quiet until I looked up to meet his eyes.  
  ‘How is Clara?’ I then asked.  
 ‘Better,’ he answered,’ she’s stronger than she thinks.’   
I smiled. 

‘She’s not that strong,’ I then said,’ she needs you, Tom.’    
‘And you don’t?’ he asked, moving closer to me. I tried to move back but this closet was too small for me to step back any further.   
‘I’m used to being alone,’ I said,’ I can handle it.’

‘That’s not an answer,’ he said.   
‘I am fine,’ I repeated but he noticed my voice was shaking, I couldn’t pretend with him, I hated that I couldn’t pretend with him!  

‘Are you really?’ he asked again.  I bit my lip to try and stop my tears.

 ‘No’ I then said quietly as tears ran down my face.   He put his arms around me faster than I had said the word, pulling me against his chest and stroking my hair as I cried. ‘Everything is so messed up’ I sobbed.

  ‘I know, I know but it will get better, Rae,’ he whispered into my ear, soothing me with that deep warm voice as his arms held me tight.  
 ‘How?’ I asked through my tears, leaning into his hug.

‘I don’t know yet…but we’ll find a way,’ he spoke softly, leaning back from the hug as he looked into my eyes.  Without thinking our lips found each other in a soft kiss, it was a kiss for comfort, not meant to lead anywhere else and it was all I needed right now.    
He leaned his forehead against mine for a moment, still holding me in his arms.

 ‘I don’t know how to deal with this, Rae,’ he then spoke honestly,’ I have never had to break someone’s heart before and the thought of hurting Clara pains me, but…the thought of hurting you kills me.’  
His hand was running through my hair and pulling me closer to him.

 ‘Tell me I’m not crazy,’ he then whispered.  
 ‘You’re not crazy,’ I said softly,’ and if you are then it must be contagious because I'm sure I am too.’  

His lips twisted in a little smile and he gave me another quick soft kiss on the lips.  My heart was melting and I could feel myself falling even deeper, I buried my face against his neck and closed my eyes. 

‘We’ll find a way,’ he repeated in a whisper.  

***

 As I made my way up the stairs to my apartment Wyatt’s door opened and his head popped around the corner. 

‘How is she?’ he asked worried.   
‘She’s fine,’ I said as I waved his question away,’ apparently it was all a big false alarm.’  
 ‘Well that’s great news!’ he smiled but his smile disappeared as he studied my face,’ then why do you not look happy?’

 ‘Because I’m not,’ I sighed.    
‘Come on, I have some leftover lasagne and an empty couch,’ he said as he opened the door further to let me in.  

Half an hour later we were both sitting on the couch with an empty plate in front of us.   
‘I’m sorry Rae,’ he said after I told him what happened at the hospital, he leaned back against the couch and looked at me,’ but enlighten me please, how is any of this your sister’s fault?’  
‘It’s not,’ I admitted,’ it’s just…she always gets what she wants, Wyatt , just for once I’d like to…get what I want.’

‘She met him first Rae,’ he stated.  
 ‘Well I didn’t know it was first come first served!’ I spat out and let out a frustrated sigh.

‘Well, it is in this case,’ Wyatt said with a little smile’, he’s not yours to want, Rae. It’s up to him but he has to make a decision before he hurts both of you.’  
‘I’m afraid it’s too late for that,’ I whispere  
d.  
‘You slept with him already,’ he said in a sigh.  
‘Yes,’ I admitted,’ and please don’t look at me like that, I know it wasn’t right but that ship has sailed now, it happened and we can’t take it back alright.’    
‘He’s nothing but a cheater, Rae,’ he shook his head.

‘It wasn’t like that, he’s not like that!’ I realized it sounded like poor excuses but I couldn’t stand to hear him talk about Tom like that,’ it just happened…we didn’t mean to hurt anyone.’    
‘Why are you still defending him?’ Wyatt asked,’ you should be pointing your anger towards him, not towards your sister.’

‘You don’t know her,’ I sighed, too stubborn to even hear what he was saying.    
‘I don’t have to,’ he said,’ Rae…how exactly do you want this to end? Do you want him to leave your sister to be with you? What about your family?’

 ‘What about them?!’ I said in anger,’ it’s none of their business.’  
‘You know that’s not true,’ he said and he leaned forward and put his hand on my knee,’ Rae, I love you sweetie but this is messed up, no man is worth losing your family over, trust me.’

I looked at him and sighed, I knew he was right but Tom wasn’t just any man…

‘What if he’s the one?’ I then asked.  He looked at me with a little smile.

  ‘Oh, come on, the Rae I know never believed in such a thing,’ he then said,’ she would say it was a stupid concept brought into the world to make women feel like they need a man to be complete, that the whole soulmates and kindred spirits thing is nothing but a silly fairy tale, that there isn’t just one person out there for you.’

 ‘Maybe that Rae was wrong,’ I sighed but he just shook his head.  
  ‘She wasn’t wrong, she was smart, smarter than you are being right now,’ he continued,’ there are always plenty of fish in the sea.’

‘That may be so, but what if I only want the one fish?’ I said and I could see the little smile on his face at my persistence, realizing I would not let this go,’ he’s my fish, Wyatt and I can’t just throw him back…I want to keep him, I deserve to get what I want…I deserve my fucking fish.’

 When I left his apartment a little bit later I had made up my mind, Wyatt had been right about one thing, this was all in Tom’s hands. Ultimately it was his choice and he would have to make it.    
But I was determined to not let him go without a fight, little did I know the fight would come to me sooner than expected…

As I opened the door to my apartment my sister was waiting for me in the living room. 

‘You’re back?’ I said surprised.  
 ‘We dropped mom off at aunt Jane’s,’ she spoke quietly as she stood up and walked towards me, her face looked pale and I was finding it hard to make out her expression from where I was standing.  

‘Is she alright?’ I asked.  
 ‘She’s fine,’ she whispered,‘ Rae, I need to ask you something.’

‘What is it?’ I asked as I stepped closer to her, seeing her face in the light of the living room it was suddenly very easy to read her expression.  
She looked angry, more than angry, she looked seriously pissed off.

  ‘Not ask you, actually, I need to tell you something,’ she continued and before I realized what happened her hand hit me on the cheek in one hard slap.  

‘Keep your hands off my fiancee!’ she yelled as she took a step back and burst out in tears.


	8. Chapter 8

‘What…?’ I covered my face with my hands as I tried to process what just happened, still feeling the sting of her slap on my cheek.

  ‘Tom told me,’ she then said, angrily wiping away her tears.    
‘He told you?’ I said shocked.   
‘Well, he didn’t actually tell me, he let it slip,’ she then confessed,’ don’t look so upset, he did his best to deny everything and take full responsibility for what happened, gentleman that he is.’  
I bit my lip as I looked at her and shook my head.

  ‘I am so, so very sorry Clara,’ I stuttered,’ I never meant to…I’m sorry.’  
She crossed her arms as she leaned against the back of the couch and looked at me.

‘I’m such an idiot,’ she then said,’ I knew! I knew something was wrong even before he postponed the wedding, something changed when we came to London and I couldn’t figure out what or why.’  
Her voice was covered in tears.  

‘I should have seen it,’ she sobbed,’ I should have noticed it happened as soon as he met you.’  
‘I didn’t mean for anything to happen Clara,’ I said,’ I tried to fight it, believe me I did but…’

‘Are you in love with him?’ she then asked.   
‘Yes,’ I confessed,’ very much…do you think I would have done any of this if I wasn’t in love Clara?’  
‘Is he in love with you?’ she then asked.

‘You really should ask him that’ I avoided the question.   
‘Is he?!’ she repeated.  
I looked at her and took a deep breath before I answered,’ I believe he might be.’

‘Son of a bitch!’    
‘I’m sorry,’ I repeated, I knew I sounded like a broken record but it was all I could think of to say to her and I wanted to avoid another slap.  
‘Did you sleep with him?’ she then asked.  

That second slap seemed inevitable now but I couldn’t lie to her any longer.  
 ‘Once,’ I confessed quietly.    
‘Oh my god! I can’t believe you!’

She started pacing the room as she shook her head in disbelief but at least she was keeping her distance from me.  

‘How could you do that Rae?!’ she continued in anger,’ could you not let me have this one good thing in my life?’

‘ONE good thing?!’ I spat out and this time I was the one who sounded angry,’ are you kidding me right now?! Everything about your life is good, how can you even say that? You have everything and you always have! Little miss perfect Clara who can do no wrong and always gets what she wants, everybody loves Clara!’

I was babbling away now, not even paying attention to the shocked expression on her face.    
‘Do you really hate me that much?’ she then asked.   
‘I don’t hate you,’ I said in a heavy sigh,’ I hate how you always get your way without even blinking while some of us have to try so hard.’

 I took a deep breath to try and calm myself down and then looked at her again.   
‘So for once in your life you’re not getting what you want,’ I continued,’ can you not just…get over it?’

She shook her head and bit her lip.  
  ‘You have no idea, do you?’ she then said, the anger was gone from her voice and it shook me for a moment.  

‘I have spent my entire life wanting what you have,’ she then said.  
 ‘What?!’ I said shocked.

  ‘I have always been jealous of you, Rae,’ she admitted.   
‘You?!’ I asked in disbelief,’ why on earth would you be jealous of me?’  
‘It’s not hard to be miss perfect,’ Clara explained,’ it’s not hard to get people to love you if you always do what they expect from you, never step outside of the box, always study hard and get that steady job, put on that perfect smile every day. I never even dared to colour outside the lines while you…you were so fearless, Rae. So independent and strong! You’re everything I’ve always wanted to be but was afraid to…you still are.’

I couldn’t think of a word to say, all I could do was stare at her as she leaned against the kitchen counter in front of me.

  ‘You didn’t care what anyone said, you did your own thing, always, no matter how hard mum yelled at you,’ she shook her head in a little smile but then looked at me more serious,’ and then you moved to London…I cried for over a week when you left because I knew you weren’t coming back. You were doing it, living the dream, and I knew I’d be stuck there forever.’   
She took a deep breath.

 ‘I’ve always wanted to be you, Rae,’ she then sighed.  

Tears filled my eyes at her confession, how had I never seen this? Why had I spent so many years thinking she looked down on me?    
I could see her brushing her own tears from her cheek as she looked at me again and in that moment she changed from the adult woman in the perfect dress to the 8 year old awkward girl in jeans with wild curls that always had a will of their own and legs that were too long for her age. The girl that crawled into bed with me at night after mum had turned off the light and closed the door, because she knew I had nightmares and she put her arms around me until we both fell asleep, convinced she kept the monsters away from me every night.    
She didn’t, the nightmares were still there but I never had the heart to tell her that.

‘I have always wanted to be you,’ I then confessed, my voice was covered in tears,’ you made everything look so easy, you always seemed to know what you wanted and where you were going next, and you were so much stronger and smarter than me.’  
‘I was not’ she said with a little smile through her tears.  

I took a step closer to her and she did the same, without giving it any more thought I put my arms around her and hugged her. It was the first real hug I had given my sister in a very long time and definitely the first time I remembered her actually hugging me back.

‘I’m sorry,’ I sobbed.   
‘It’s okay,’ she whispered in tears,’ I am sorry, I should have talked to you sooner.’ 

‘No, I mean...,’ I broke the hug to look at her,’ I’m sorry about Tom.’  
She nodded her head and wiped her tears away.  
 ‘It’s okay,’ she then spoke,’ I forgive you.’  
‘I don’t deserve that,’ I said in a shaky voice as I shook my head.  

‘Well, you’re getting it,’ she said and she gave me a little weak smile,’ he doesn’t…but you…even though I kinda hate you right now, you’re my big sister Rae. I’m not letting any man come between that, not even a perfect bastard like him.’  
I nodded my head. 

‘See, you ARE smarter than me,’ I then admitted,’ I should have realized that weeks ago, all of this shouldn’t have happened.’ 

‘But it did,’ she sighed,’ honestly, Rae…if he had that much trouble staying faithful to me in such a short time…it never would have worked out anyway, it’s better that I know now.’  
I could tell by the tears in her eyes she was trying to convince herself and stay strong. 

‘It’s okay,’ I said softly and watched her as she let the tears flow.  

‘It hurts so much,’ she then cried as she pulled me into her hug again.  
 ‘I know’ I whispered, letting my own tears fall, I didn’t know whose heart was breaking more but I could definitely feel mine getting torn into pieces as I realized what I had to do next. 

*** 

I had made up my mind, this time I wasn’t going to let anything change it, or anyone, I knew facing Tom would be more difficult than I could imagine but I had no choice. 

For the first time in years me and Clara made a real connection and I realized that I couldn’t keep hurting her like that, and this time it wasn’t just out of the obligation that she was family and blood, this time I physically just could not do it. 

So there was only one thing left…  

I opened the door to the coffee shop and stepped inside, my eyes roaming the room nervously to see if he was already here. A public place where I felt comfortable seemed like the safest option, I had sent Tom a message earlier asking him to meet me at work on my day off. 

Kym greeted me with a smile as I walked in.  
  ‘There’s someone here to see you, sweetie,’ she winked at me and pointed to the table in the back.

  I could see his long legs sticking out of the booth, he was sitting with his back to me and hadn’t seen me yet.   
‘Everything okay?’ Kym asked as she gave me a worried look. The stress must have been all over my face.  
‘Ask me again later,’ I sighed and walked over to him.

Without saying anything I took the seat in front of him, making him look up to me in surprise, a little sympathetic smile on his face when his eyes met mine but it quickly changed into a worried expression and he pressed his lips together nervously before he talked.

  ‘Rae,’ he sighed and he reached out his hand across the table to grab mine, I stubbornly kept both my hands in my lap as I avoided his gaze.  This would be hard enough with him looking at me, under no circumstance was I going to let him touch me.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he sighed,’ I should have denied everything but it was too late…was she really angry?’

 ‘I’m fine,’ I said, ignoring his question.  
‘You don’t look fine,’ he said,’ will you please look at me, Rae?’

I lifted my eyes and regretted it instantly when I met the worried look on his gorgeous face. 

 ‘It’s a relief that she knows now,’ he spoke softly, keeping his eyes on mine,’ I’m sorry, I know that sounds harsh but…I feel relieved that I can finally be honest about what I’m feeling…for you.’  
‘You can’t, Tom’ I said.  
 ‘What do you mean?’ he asked, a little surprise in his voice.

‘Nothing has changed’ I sighed.   
‘But…me and Clara broke up,’ he said.

‘And now what?’ I said,’ you’re going to leave one sister and jump right back into a relationship with the other?! You know it doesn’t work like that’  
‘Why can’t it work like that?’ he asked,’ everything has changed now, hasn’t it?’

‘You’re right about that,’ I said, and I stared back at him,’ everything has changed, I know what I did was wrong now, and if I could turn back time I’d take it back, all of it.’  

‘You don’t mean that’ he said softly, I could see the hurt in his eyes.  
 ‘Yes, I do, Tom,’ I answered. 

We both stayed quiet and just looked at each other for a few minutes, his hand was still on the table and I had to fight the urge to just put my fingers over his. I blocked that thought from my mind.

‘Here’s the thing,’ I then said and I took a deep breath before I spoke,’ I love my sister more than I love you, I always will and…I always have, I just forgot about it for a while. But I remember now.’  
He nodded his head as he bit his lip.  

‘So this thing between us,’ I continued,’ whatever it was, it has to be over, it IS over.’  
‘So…we just pretend it never happened?’ he asked softly,’ pretend it was all nothing?’

‘You’re an actor,’ I said,’ you pretend for a living, can’t be that hard for you.’  
 ‘That’s acting, it’s different’ he sighed. 

‘Well then ACT like it never happened’ I said and I got up, I had said everything I wanted to say and suddenly I couldn’t wait to get away from him but he anticipated my move and rose from the booth before I could move, putting himself in front of me, his hands on my waist and his face suddenly too close for comfort.

  ‘Is that really what you want?’ he asked softly as he pierced my eyes with his.  

No, of course it’s not, what I really want is to drown in your eyes and kiss your lips while you cling to me as if I’m the only thing keeping you on your feet…I want to hide in your arms and walk out of here with your hand in mine…I want to wake up every morning to see your face and build a life with you…I have never wanted that with anyone but with you…I want it all…the good, the bad and the ugly, though I doubt with you there would ever be anything ugly as you’re the most beautiful creature I have ever known, inside and out and…I think I love you..

  ‘Rae?’ he asked again, pulling me out of my thoughts’ is that really what you want?’

‘Yes,’ I said, trying to hold my voice steady,’ that is what I want, Tom.’

He nodded his head and I felt his hands leave me as he took a step back, allowing me room to pass him which I did in a hurry, avoiding his eyes.

  ‘Rae,’ he then said, making me turn back to look at him,the sad look in his eyes was enough to melt my heart again,’ I just want you to know…if I could turn back time I would do it all again. You may have regrets about what happened between us but I don’t, not a single one.’

I just shook my head and walked away from him rushing towards the door when Kym stopped me in my tracks.

 ‘And?’ she asked with a big grin on her face that quickly disappeared when she noticed the tears in my eyes,’ honey, what’s wrong?’ 

I shook my head and kept my lips together, scared that if I would try to speak I wouldn’t be able to fight back my tears any longer.

  ‘What did he do?’ she asked with an angry look on her face now. ‘  
’It’s nothing,’ I whispered. 

‘Are you sure?’ she insisted,’ do you want me to spit in his coffee?’   
I smiled through my tears as I shook my head.

 ‘No,’ I spoke quietly,’ we’ll talk later okay, I just…need to go.’

I rushed away from her and stepped outside, letting the fresh air fill my lungs as I let out a deep breath and felt my tears flow.   Everything was as it should be now, this was what I should have done in the first place, it was the only right thing, then why did it feel so horribly wrong?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last one, thank you guys for all your comments and kudos on this story, it really means the world to me!

When I stepped into my aunt’s living room later that week I found my mother folding clothes and putting them back into their empty suitcases.  

‘You’re leaving?’ I asked surprised.

‘Hey Rae,’ she smiled when she looked at me,’ well, since there isn’t going to be a wedding there’s really no point in staying in London any longer.’   
I nodded my head, grabbed one of my father’s shirts and started folding but she grabbed my hands and stopped me, giving me a comforting little smile.  

‘Sit down sweetie’ she said and she joined me on the couch.  

‘Clara told me everything that happened with Tom,’ she then confessed,’ are you alright?’  
‘Not really,’ I confessed,’ it’s over, I mean it is really over this time…honestly, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, mum. Tell me about you, how have you been? Are you eating enough? No more fainting?’    
‘I’m fine,’ she insisted,’ honey…I am sorry about our conversation last time.’

‘It’s alright,’ I said,’ I was just shaken up by the whole cancer thing’  
 ‘But you were right,’ she said,’ we should have told you.’  
She took a deep sigh and looked at me again.

 ‘I’ve been talking to your father,’ she then said,’ and we agreed to come to London one weekend every month, or at least try to, we want to visit you more often.’  
‘You don’t have to do that for me’ I sighed.

 ‘We’re doing it for us,’ she smiled,’ for all of us. You were right, we’ve been shutting you out and distance is not an excuse.’  
‘It’s my fault too,’ I admitted,’ you were right about that last time, I did run from you guys and keeping in touch was often more of a hassle than anything else so I stopped trying after a while, it was easier just to focus on living my life here.’

 ‘You’re busy with work and your life Rae, we understand,’ she said,’ but after all that happened lately…I just don’t want our family to grow apart.’   
‘I don’t want that either,’ I smiled.

  ‘Good,’ she said and she stood up,’ now help me fold these and then let us take you out to lunch.’  

***

I arrived back at my apartment a few hours later, lunch with my parents had been nice and even sort of relaxing, they did their best to cheer me up and not mention anything about Tom, but he was still right there in the back of my mind the entire time.   
I knew I was doing the right thing and while I felt happy about my relationship with my family now, especially my sister, part of me was hurting and missing Tom like crazy.  

As I walked up the stairs I found Wyatt just about to leave his apartment, I could tell by the sympathetic smile on his face he was aware of what happened. 

‘I just spoke to your sister,’ he explained and he walked up to me, opening up his arms.  
 ‘Do not hug me,’ I raised my hand and pointed at him, I knew he was trying to be sweet but sweet was the quickest way to break me right now and I did not feel up to that. 

If I could keep it together for just a little bit longer I might actually make it through one day without crying.   He put his arms back down and nodded his head.  
 ‘I’m sorry,’ he said,’ you’re doing the right thing.’

 ’So everybody keeps saying,’ I sighed.    
‘Because it’s the truth, Rae,’ he tried to comfort me.

‘I know that!’ I said, it came out more angry than I had intended to,’ sorry, I know, okay, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.’  
‘I understand,’ he said,’ look, I invited your sister to go out clubbing with me tonight, get really drunk, flirt with some hot single guys and just forget about everything else. The same invitation goes out to you, you look like you could use it.’

‘Thank you but not tonight, Wyatt,’ I sighed,’ I just want to be alone right now.’

‘Whatever you need,’ he said and before I could pull away again he grabbed my shoulders and planted a kiss on my cheek,’ tell Clara to meet me at nine then.’ 

And with a little wink he rushed down the stairs.   I opened the door to my apartment and found Clara with her hands down in my kitchen sink scrubbing as if her life depended on it while she was humming Uptown Funk.  

She looked strangely relaxed and in an exceptional good mood for someone whose marriage just got cancelled and for a moment that made me worry even more. 

‘Hey,’ I spoke hesitantly.    
‘Hey Rae,’ she smiled,’ I hope you don’t mind I cleaned your kitchen, I needed something to get rid of this new found energy.’   
‘Mind?’ I asked with a surprised smile,’ it has never looked so shiny in here.’ 

‘You’re welcome,’ she said.    
‘Are you okay Clara?’ I asked hesitantly,’ I mean, really okay? This cleaning thing is not a sign you’re about to have a mental breakdown?’ 

She let out a little chuckle and shook her head.  
 ‘I am more than okay, Rae,’ she reassured me,’ why would I have a breakdown? I know this may sound weird but part of me feels like there’s this huge burden that has fallen off my shoulders.’

 I kept my eyes on hers, trying to determine whether she was faking this whole thing.  
‘I mean it,’ she then repeated,’ I’m good, I am, Rae.’    
Her smile looked genuine, maybe it was just her coping mechanism, whatever it was she appeared to be dealing with her situation better than I was.

‘Oh, I just met your friendly neighbor Wyatt,’ she then said with an even bigger smile and a twinkle in her eyes.   
‘He told me’ I answered.  
‘He is very…what’s the word I’m looking for?’ she said as she raised her eye brow and bit her lip.   
‘Gay, Clara,’ I helped her,’ he’s very gay.’

‘No that wasn’t it, damn that’s a shame though,’ she said disappointed.  
 ‘But he has a lot of non gay friends he can introduce you to,’ I said with an encouraging smile.

 ‘So are you coming with us?’ she asked.    
‘Not tonight,’ I said as I took a seat on one of the kitchen stools,’ I’m sure you two are very capable of making London unsafe without me, so…when are you traveling back?’  
‘Actually,’ she said with a sigh,’ I wasn’t planning on going back.’

She sat down next to me and for the first time I could see some hesitation on her face.  
 ‘What do you mean?’ I asked surprised.

‘I’m going to stay in London,’ she explained,’ indefinitely, I think it’s time I did something for myself right now and think about what would make me happy without wanting to do good for everyone else first.’   
I smiled and nodded my head.  
 ‘That sounds like a really good plan’ I then said.

‘Is it okay if I stay here a little bit longer until I find a place?’ she asked carefully.   
‘You can stay here as long as you like!’ I said without hesitating,’ this apartment is big enough for the two of us, besides, this place could do with a bit more cleaning!’ 

She gave me a relieved smile,’ thank you’  
  ‘That’s what sisters are for, right?’ I said. 

‘Right’ she smiled but suddenly her expression changed.  ‘I saw Tom today,’ she then said as she leaned against the counter and looked at me,’ just to say our final goodbyes, you know.’

‘Uh-uh’ I sighed, I didn’t feel like having another conversation with her about him and I could feel my mood change at just the mention of his name.

  ‘Rae?’ she asked, forcing me to look at her and react to what she had just said.    
‘What?’ I asked with a sigh,’ why does everyone insist on talking about him? It’s done okay, I am done with him!’

My anger quickly turned to sadness and my voice was starting to break, I bit my lip and shook my head. So far for one day without crying…

 ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, biting back my tears.   She stepped closer to me and let out a deep sigh as our eyes met.

 ‘Rae…’ her voice was so soft it took my last bit of anger away.  
  ‘It’s alright,’ I said,’ I will be fine, I just need some time, Clara.’   
She nodded her head but I could see the worried look on her face.    
‘Honestly I will be fine,’ I insisted,’ I told him I love you more than I love him and I meant that.’

‘Funny you should say that, because that’s exactly what I told him,’ she said with a little smile,’ and I want us both to be happy, Rae.’

I looked up to meet her eyes.  
 ‘It’s his last show at the Donmar tonight,’ she then said,’ you should go see him.’

‘What are you saying?’ I asked softly.  
 ‘You know what I’m saying,’ she said and she nodded her head firmly showing me she meant every word,’ he doesn’t love me, Rae, he looked so heartbroken when I went to see him today and no matter how much I had hoped some of it was for me…I know it wasn’t, it was all you.’  
I couldn’t think of anything to say to her but she could read everything she needed to know on my face.

‘Go to him,’ she said again.

 ‘And then what?’ I asked, suddenly overwhelmed by my nerves,’ what do I do then?’  
‘You don’t have to do anything, just go to him, he will do the rest,’ she said with a warm smile, I could tell there was a little sadness in there too but she was hiding it well.

‘That simple huh?’ I asked with a heavy sigh.   
‘Hasn’t it been complicated enough?’ she said with a little smile as she pushed me off my chair,’ now go before I change my mind!’

***

My heart pound was pounding faster than it ever had before as I walked through the door of the Donmar that night, when I arrived the show was already over, probably for the best as I didn’t think I could sit through it all a second time and this time my mother wasn’t here to hold my hand and pull me through it.  

I had hoped to surprise Tom but security was really tight tonight so they had to check with him before they could let me in, of course alerting him of my presence. The door of his dressing room was ajar, I waited a few moments to try and get my nerves under control before I knocked.

  ‘It’s open.’

I gently pushed the door open further to step inside and found him putting away flowers and cards into a box, he stopped immediately when he saw me, a little nervous smile appearing on his face.    
He was wearing the white t-shirt that showed off all his muscles and his face was a little flushed, his eyes looked tired but he also had a calm, content air over him telling me this last show had been a success, which I never doubted for a second.

‘Hi’ I spoke softly.  
 ‘Rae,’ he whispered.   Hearing my name on his lips was enough to send shivers all through me. 

‘You’re the last person I expected to see here,’ he then said,’ did you watch the show?’   
‘I just got here,’ my voice sounded nervous,’ but I’m sure you were wonderful.’   
He smiled and walked up to me, a more serious look on his face now as his eyes rested on mine.

 ‘Don’t get me wrong, it is really good to see you, Rae, but what are you doing here?’ he asked,’ I thought…you never wanted to see me again?’  
 ‘I…well…I…’  
Why hadn’t I prepared what I was going to say to him? All words seemed gone from my mind with him standing right in front of me and his eyes piercing mine.   
Come on, say something, anything!  

I let out a deep frustrated sigh as I looked down to try and avoid his gaze for a moment while I pulled myself together but he grabbed my hand to make me look at him again. ‘Talk to me,’ his voice was softer now,’ why are you here?’

‘Because…I needed to see you,’ I started,’ and tell you…tell you that…I think I love you.’   
‘You think?’ he asked with a little smile.

 ‘I’m pretty sure, actually’ I confessed, searching his eyes for some confirmation that he still felt the same way and everything I said last time hadn’t made him change his mind about me, about us.    
The smile on his face took the last of my doubts away and his hands landed on my waist, pulling me against his chest as he gently leaned his forehead against mine.

 ‘I’m glad to hear it,’ he then said,’ what about…Clara?’  
 ‘She gave me her blessing, sort of,’ I smiled, putting my arms around his neck,’ I am so sorry about what I said last time, I didn’t mean any of that.’

 ‘I know you didn’t,’ he said,’ and I also know you had no choice, family is important, I would never blame you for making that choice, darling.’  

I nodded my head and let my hands run through his hair, his curls were still wet from the shower and I could feel the warmth of the hot water on his skin as my fingers caressed his neck. It felt so nice to be able to touch him and not feel the guilt that always accompanied it.  

‘Well, I am here to tell you that I’m choosing you now,’ I whispered,’ I’ve tried every other option but none of them worked out very well so…’   
‘So I’m your last option and you’re stuck with me now?’ he raised his eye brow and bit his lip as he twisted his face in a painful expression.   
‘Well, we all have our crosses to bear,’ I teased him,’ I guess you are mine.’ 

‘Oh yes I am,’ he then smiled and leaned forward to put a soft kiss on my lips, making me shiver again as he slowly deepened the kiss and pulled me closer into his hug, letting out a relieved sigh a few moments later when he broke the kiss to look at me.  

‘I thought I lost you there for a while,’ he confessed.   
‘You never lost me’ I said as I kissed him again and felt him push his body up against mine.  I could feel the tears sting in my eyes and let them fall freely this time, feeling his arms tighten around me when he noticed I was crying.

 ‘It’s alright, Rae’ his voice was soft and soothing against my ear, which only made me cry more.    
‘I’m sorry,’ I sobbed, annoyed with myself,’ My god! I can’t seem to go a day without crying lately, this is all your fault!’

He let his thumb run across my cheek to brush my tears away as he smiled, ignoring my words and kissing my forehead, calming me down instantly.  

‘I will do my best to make sure there are many days without tears from now on,’ he then spoke softly.  I smiled and nodded my head as I clung to his t-shirt, he put his arms around me and nuzzled his face against mine.

  ‘Only happy tears, Rae’ he then whispered putting a smile on my face as I leaned into his hug and closed my eyes, allowing myself to finally disappear into his arms, his warmth and his love. 

  I never thought I would have to say this but Clara had been right, apparently I was the lucky sister after all.

 

***The End***  
     


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